You Are Enough: How to Counteract Imposter Syndrome, Perfectionism, and RSD
Feelings of inadequacy with ADHD and give rise to RSD, social anxiety, imposter syndrome, and perfectionism. The solution? Breaking free from a flawed core belief of “not good enough.”
It’s an aspect of living with ADHD that no one discusses: a core sense of deficiency.
We feel we’re not good enough, not smart enough, not productive enough, largely because people have told us as much all our lives. Aside from toxic self-esteem problems, this pattern of negative messaging also leads to social anxiety – often experienced as rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD), imposter syndrome, and perfectionism.
These dimensions of social anxiety overlap and are often experienced together. They also explain a lot about the negative internal state — that nagging feeling of being “not good enough” — that often plagues individuals living with ADHD.
How Social Anxiety Takes Root
Social anxiety causes debilitating fear and avoidance of situations that may expose you to scrutiny, humiliation, rejection, or judgment. Social anxiety brings persistent worry about others’ opinions; you may fear that you will be judged as anxious, crazy, stupid, boring, or unlikable. Perhaps these fears developed because you have been judged as such by neurotypical people who don’t understand ADHD and its symptoms. You believe that you know what others are thinking about you, and you’ve convinced yourself that it’s all bad.
Social anxiety also causes you to overestimate the negative consequences of social situations. You may think there’s no coming back from a faux-pas or a mistake. That’s because underneath social anxiety is a belief that you, for being who you are, are already starting off at below zero. You underestimate your value and importance to people in your life, and you feel like you can be easily excluded for not falling in line. Again, perhaps this fear has developed because you’ve already been subjected to the pain of marginalization for being different. As one ADDitude reader said, “It never crosses my mind that anybody else could be at fault, because, growing up, I was always the problem.”
[Self Test: Do I Experience Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria?]
How Anxiety Explodes Into RSD
If social anxiety makes you intensely self-conscious, RSD takes it to the next level. RSD refers to rejection sensitive dysphoria — the severe emotional pain felt by experiencing real or perceived rejection, criticism, or teasing. These intense feelings are grounded in beliefs that you’ve let people down, embarrassed yourself, failed, or made a serious, unfixable mistake. RSD causes you to fear that people will pull back their support, love, or respect for you.
Similar to social anxiety, RSD is the product of being criticized and judged negatively for being who you are. It’s what happens when you’ve been made to feel inadequate or “too much” — too distracted, too scattered, too forgetful, or too self-centered.
RSD causes a lack of confidence in interpersonal relationships. Rejection translates to danger for you, and you often anticipate rejection or trouble in social situations. As a result, you fall into the habit of people-pleasing to avoid conflict and disapproval.
How Perfectionism Takes Over
Perfectionism is characterized by setting unrealistic standards for yourself to appear flawless, often driven by the fear of disappointing yourself or others. Like RSD, perfectionism can also manifest as people-pleasing. You strive for perfection to compensate for your deep fear of failure, which you associate with exclusion, rejection, and judgment.
[Free Download: Social Anxiety Facts and Falsehoods]
Ultimately, perfectionism functions as a maladaptive way to control outcomes — a fundamental aspect of anxiety. Perfectionism is directly related to a need for approval; it is your vehicle for managing anxiety related to rejection and disapproval.
Perfectionism breeds all-or-nothing thinking (a common trait in ADHD); if it’s not completely right, then it must be a failure. Perfectionism also drives constant negative comparison to others (in what I call the “compare-and-despair” cycle), which plague many neurodivergent individuals. Perfectionists are easily discouraged when they can’t complete goals in the way that they imagined, resulting in procrastination.
How Imposter Syndrome Sabotages Us
Someone with imposter syndrome feels like a fraud or a phony. You doubt your abilities and successes, believing that your mistakes and moments of imperfection are proof that you’re not an intelligent person. You fear that others will figure out that you’re only masquerading as a competent person.
You reject praise, compliments, and positive feedback, and chalk up your accomplishments to luck, not real skill, talent, or any strength worthy of attention. When you receive a compliment, you may think, “If that person only really knew how I am…” Sadly, no amount of success seems to eradicate imposter syndrome. That’s because imposter syndrome comes from a belief of being fundamentally flawed, which, again, may result from living as a neurodivergent individual in a neurotypical world.
Imposter syndrome is strongly linked to perfectionism. Just like perfectionists, you depend on others for validation and approval, rather than learn how to fill that cup up for yourself. Imposter syndrome also contributes to procrastination, especially when there’s concern about failure.
A Cure for “Not Good Enough”
RSD, social anxiety, perfectionism, and imposter syndrome can all be traced back to the experience of being different in a world largely designed for one type of brain. A core belief of deficiency, no matter how it manifests, must be replaced with positive beliefs of “I am enough.” You can change your beliefs in myriad ways — through therapy, positive self-talk, a growth mindset, mindfulness, coaching and other effective tools shared in the following resources:
- Q: “My Paralyzing Anxiety Tells Me I’m Not Good Enough”
- When Perfectionism Stems from ADHD: Challenging the Fallacy of “Not Good Enough”
- You Are Worthy of Self-Compassion: How to Break the Habit of Internalized Criticism
- Q: “I Can’t Handle Rejection. Will I Ever Change?”
- “Q: My Fear of Rejection Keeps Me Socially Isolated”
- Your Regret Won’t Change the Past. These Tips May Save Your Future.
More Next Steps
- Read: “My Fear of Failure Becomes Paralyzing Perfectionism”
- Free Download: Emotional Regulation & Anger Management Scripts
- eBook: The Emotions of ADHD
The content for this article was derived from the ADDitude ADHD Experts webinar titled, “RSD Toolkit: Strategies for Managing Your Sensitivities in Real Time” [Video Replay & Podcast #476] with Sharon Saline, Psy.D. which was broadcast on October 19, 2023.
