“The Polite Fear and Quiet Loathing of ADHD”
“Those who dismiss ADHD, I gather, often do it as an act of self-preservation. To deny ADHD is to avoid uncomfortable truths about opportunity and success.”
“Maria, I get distracted all the time, too, and so does everyone else. But it doesn’t mean I have a…a… condition. I want to help you, but I don’t think you understand how medical diagnoses work. Indulging in the latest popular label isn’t helpful.”
At 44, when I was diagnosed with ADHD, my neuropsychologist warned me that telling my family about it, given the personal background I provided, might not be the wisest idea.
Before I brought up ADHD to my family, they never questioned my previous medical diagnoses: migraines, a root canal, COVID-19, two bunionectomies, and two staph infections. My understanding of my health conditions was never challenged until it came to ADHD, when a single family member politely undermined my medical diagnosis, my grasp of reality, and my intelligence.
Why the ADHD denial?
To Deny ADHD Is to Uphold a Fraught Reality
Those who dismiss ADHD, I gather, often do it as an act of self-preservation. To deny ADHD is to avoid uncomfortable truths about opportunity and success.
From the moment small children can comprehend language, adult authority figures tell them that if they follow specific steps, a particular outcome is very likely or guaranteed. “Work hard, and you’ll get good grades.” “Success is no accident.” “Practice makes perfect.” This rigid, unforgiving logic is the very foundation of the American Dream and a common justification not to help each other. Athletes, actors, musicians, authors, artists, scientists, and other recipients of professional honors, wealth, and prestige will parrot the same talking points.
[Read: Why It Hurts When Neurotypicals Claim an “ADHD Moment”]
My parents and teachers reiterated these adages too. All of my siblings ardently followed this advice, and they were richly rewarded for their legitimate hard work: private boarding schools in England, Ivy League graduate degrees, high incomes, networking with wealthy families, and professional achievements.
Not for me or the other one in 20 children in the 1980s who had ADHD, though.
The people who champion these simplistic platitudes don’t realize or account for the fact that learning isn’t that simple for those of us who are wired differently. If an undetected and untreated developmental disability stymied my academic and professional achievements – instead of my alleged lazy, unmotivated, unintelligent, and scatterbrained behaviors – then the reality for my family and all the other people who genuinely think they worked hard is shattered.
Despite steps to mitigate the effects of disability discrimination, this country still wrestles with the fact that not all opportunities for success are equal, especially in highly competitive, driven environments. Most upsetting is the fact that ADHD runs in families, meaning that “bad” genetics can threaten to upend one’s previously positive self-image and long-held beliefs about intelligence. The inability to accept reality, such as loved ones clinging to stigma over facts, takes hold in families and denies the possibility for compassion, empathy, and proper treatment.
Covert Denial and Faux Concern
I’ll give these skeptics and critics some credit: they know outright denials or rejections of an ADHD diagnosis are no longer socially acceptable. They really don’t want to appear brazenly ignorant by contradicting a widely recognized neurodevelopmental disorder.
[Read: “Is ADHD Really Real?” 6 Ranked Responses to ADD Skeptics]
What’s the “better” response? Very respectful, palatable contradictions that are cloaked in faux concern and passive-aggressive denial. “Being fidgety is normal in children, but now it’s a ‘condition!’” “The inability to focus and concentrate probably isn’t really ADHD.” “All of this ADHD nonsense is only a flashy trend.” “Is the rise in diagnoses social media’s fault?” In my case, I got the question, “Did you take this, um, ADHD test online? Because that’s not how diagnostic testing works.”
ADHD skeptics and critics don’t want to face the fact that one of the driving reasons neurotypical people flourished in life is because academic and workplace environments are mostly set up so only neurotypical people could thrive and prosper.
If there had ever been a proactive, organic nationwide movement to acknowledge and understand disabilities and work to equalize the playing field, then the Americans with Disabilities Act and the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act wouldn’t need to exist. Thankfully, legally mandated disability accommodations expand the chances of success to more people in the workplace, classroom, and other fields. However, with change comes unpredictability. Insecurity and fear drive prejudices and make ADHD accommodations difficult to obtain.
As for my family member who repeatedly attacked the credentials and professional licensure of the neuropsychologist who diagnosed me, I eventually got somewhat of an apology. “I think it’s really good you found ADHD. All of… that seems to be helping you.” I had no idea I had it so good.
ADHD Is Real: Next Steps
- Free Download: How Common Is ADHD in Adults?
- Read: The Definition of ADHD — Myths & Truths
- Read: The Controversy That Was Adult ADHD
Maria Reppas lives with her family on the East Coast. Visit her on Twitter and at mariareppas.com.
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