“I Didn’t Need to Understand My Teen’s Gender Journey to Support It.”
The mom of a nonbinary teen describes how an exploration of gender and neurodiversity led to self-understanding, deep friendships, and happiness.
Ashe’s ADHD diagnosis happened soon after they realized they were gender non-binary in middle school. The gender journey started with Ashe wanting to explore a more androgynous look. They only wanted to wear pants and wanted to cut their hair short. They wanted to wear a suit to the 8th grade prom, instead of a dress. There was some confusion and a little bit of self-harm, which was scary for us. We sought out a gender identity therapist so Ashe could talk through how they were feeling about themselves and who they were and how they wanted to present themselves to the world.
Working with a gender identity therapist was really helpful. She gave great advice, and we had weekly homework. One week, it might be to make a big effort to use the right pronouns. The next week, it might be to reach out to a family member and tell them about the new name, in front of Ashe to show them that we were supportive. At the beginning, Ashe would get upset when I or Ashe’s dad used the wrong pronouns, but they learned to accept that people are going to make mistakes. The therapy lasted a year, and Ashe’s confidence increased as we went through that.
“It All Made Sense:” An Empowering Diagnosis
At the end of 9th grade, Ashe’s therapist suggested a neuropsych. We knew Ashe had trouble at school — struggles with taking tests and keeping focus, but because they were such a likable person, teachers always gave them the benefit of the doubt. It really wasn’t until high school that we saw their grades drop drastically. The tests kept coming back failed. Assignments were not getting handed in on time.
It was unclear to us what was going on. Depression and anxiety run in the family so we were concerned about that, but Ashe had started to do their own research and they said, ‘I think I might have ADHD.’”
Ashe was right: the neuropsych revealed ADHD. It turned out that the anxiety Ashe was feeling came from the ADHD not being managed. The testing was reassuring, and validating. It all made sense. Ashe thought, ‘This is what I’ve been experiencing. Let me try to get everyone in my life to work with this.”
[Read: ADHD in Teens – Your Guide to Warning Signs & Treatments for Adolescents]
I know sometimes when kids with ADHD explore gender, parents can wonder: are they just being impulsive? Ashe is very quick to make decisions and can be very impulsive. But you’re not in your kid’s head, so you have to step back and support them while you see where it goes.
A Surprising Journey
The evolution of the gender journey was surprising. As Ashe moved through high school, after working with the gender therapist, they became really confident in themselves. They started wearing skirts and embracing what we would think of as more feminine presentation, but they were very clear that when they wear a dress, it doesn’t mean they’re a girl. As Ashe has grown older and more knowledgeable and confident, they’ve really learned to love their body. For me, that was a lovely surprise because there can be a lot of body dysmorphia during this kind of gender journey.
The name change was the hardest part for me. Ashe was not the name we gave them. They wanted a more neutral name that they felt suited them better. It hurt at first to not be a part of that process, but looking back and seeing the whole journey, I understand that ‘Ashe’ is the name they feel is them. Now it’s really strange to think back on the dead name, which we do have to use from time to time for legal stuff.
[Read: How to Support a Teen with ADHD Who Is Questioning Their Gender]
In the beginning I asked Ashe a lot, “Can you explain it to me?” Then I stopped, because I realized that I had to do the work of learning, myself — listening to podcasts, reading articles. It shouldn’t necessarily be the child’s responsibility to make you understand.
Support Now. Understand In Time.
I also realized that I didn’t really need to understand in order to support. I figured out that the understanding would come, one day, down the line. But what needed to happen, in that moment, was just support.
The relationships, including friendships, that Ashe has formed are extremely deep and supportive. Ashe now has a boyfriend, and they’ve been together for two years. They have amazing communication for a bunch of 19-year-olds, the way they talk about how to address each other and physical touch and what’s okay with that. There is a lot of really open communication and I think it comes from both of them being so comfortable with who they are.
A lot of people push down who they are — whether that’s gender or sexuality or neurodivergence. But seeing Ashe embrace themselves, I’ve thought, wow, everyone should know as much as they can about themselves — their neurodivergence, gender identity, sexuality. It can open you up to being so much more authentic, and fulfilled.
Gender Diversity and Neurodiversity: Next Steps
- Watch: Gender Diversity and Neurodiversity – How to Support a Child, Teen, or Young Adult with ADHD as They Explore Gender
- Read: How to Be a Neuroqueer Ally
- Read: The Clinicians’ Guide to Serving and Protecting LGBTQIA+ Youth
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