19 Authoritative Parenting Tips for Raising Neurodivergent Children

The most effective parenting style balances warmth and clear limits. Experts call it “authoritative parenting,” and it has been found to be positive for a child's overall development.

Parents raising neurodivergent children — kids with ADHD, autism, learning disorders, and other conditions — generally benefit when they apply a wider range of these strategies more frequently and over a longer period of time. Many neurodivergent families also seek the help of a mental health professional to apply these techniques and tailor them to a child’s individual needs.

Here are some basic strategies to guide you.

Praise, and other forms of attention, act as the sunshine and fertilizer that positive behaviors need to bloom — without them, undesired behaviors, or the weeds, may overtake the garden.

• Praise the behaviors you want to see. If your child has difficulty listening, say, “Great job listening so quickly” as soon as your child demonstrates the behavior.
• Be specific and sincere in your praise. Highlight the positive behavior your child engaged in. Say, “Great job sticking with that challenging problem.”
• Combine verbal praise with nonverbal reinforcers, like high-fives or pats on the back.
• Provide praise immediately after the desired behavior happens.

Provide lots of praise throughout the day, especially to counteract negative feedback your child may have received.

Sometimes, children will seek a parent’s attention in less constructive ways, like via whining, interrupting, and being purposely annoying. Paying attention to these behaviors reinforces them. Instead, ignore these behaviors and actively wait for the opportunity to praise the good behaviors that come through. If your child typically whines when they have to wait, ignore the whining and praise them when they stop whining and demonstrate patience. Say, “Thank you for waiting calmly while I finish my phone call.”

Validating your child’s feelings helps them feel understood, builds connection, and takes the edge off tense situations. Validation communicates to your child or teen that their thoughts and feelings make sense, even if you disagree with their reaction. Actively listen and reflect back what you hear to show your child that you understand. Say, “I get that you’re upset with me because I don’t want you to go out right now. I know it feels unfair that your friends can stay out.”

Don’t jump to solving problems or trying to make your child “feel better.” If your child expresses that they’re worried about a math test, say, “I know how important getting good grades is to you. I hear that you're nervous.” Saying “You’re going to do great!” may make your child feel like what they’re feeling — nervousness — isn’t okay.

Build your child’s social-emotional awareness by helping them accurately label their feelings and the emotions they observe in others.

• Link feelings to bodily sensations to aid with identification. Butterflies in the stomach, perspiration, and a racing heart can be signs of nervousness. Curled fists and feeling hot can be signs of anger.
• Point to facial expressions and body language to help your child learn to look for clues about how someone else is feeling.

[Get This Free Download: 75 Fun Reward Ideas for Kids]

Rewards are powerful incentives for better behavior. Here are a few guidelines for effective rewarding:

• Rewards must be truly rewarding. Collaborate with your child to determine what motivates them most. It’s best to choose a variety of rewards with different “values” and to identify a combination of material items and privileges.
• Rewards must be immediate, consistent, and achievable to ensure that a desired behavior sticks.
• Rewards must be contingent on behavior. Your child must complete the behavior before receiving reinforcement.

A positive, open, trusting, and warm relationship with your child is the foundation for setting limits and encouraging the behavior you want to see. Set aside regular child-led, one-on-one time – even 5 to 15 minutes a day can be beneficial.

• Let your child choose an activity they enjoy and really be in charge of the interaction. This is their opportunity to feel seen, heard, and accepted by you — and to receive tons of positive feedback.
• Avoid directing, correcting, or criticizing their behavior during the activity. Avoid criticizing the activity, too, even if you don’t particularly care for it.
• Ignore minor misbehavior. If aggression, destruction, or other unacceptable behaviors occur, end the interaction and enforce consequences if applicable.

Teach your child to deal with uncomfortable and stressful situations in healthy ways. Distress-tolerance skills improve our ability to handle discomfort without resorting to behaviors that can make a situation worse. Examples of distress-tolerance strategies include:

• deep breathing
• progressive muscle relaxation (e.g., tensing and releasing one muscle group at a time, starting with your toes and working up to other parts of the body)
• counting to 10 or briefly stepping away from the stressor
• engaging any of the five senses in a way that is soothing to you such as listening to calming music or smelling lavender
• repeating positive affirmations or coping thoughts

• Use “I feel” statements instead of “you” statements, which can often make the other person feel blamed and can escalate conflict.
• Wait to talk about difficult subjects until everyone is calm.
• Be solution oriented. Brainstorm different solutions, show willingness to compromise and know that you may need to come back to the drawing board if the first solution doesn’t work out.

[Read: The ADHD Conflict Resolution Guide]

Self-care is how we attend to our emotional wellbeing. Teach your child that it’s okay to fill their cup and engage in self-care practices by modeling your own use of self-care. Examples of self-care for kids include:

• taking short breaks while doing homework and studying
• spending time with friends and siblings to build connection
• engaging in hobbies that increase happiness or build a sense of mastery
• taking care of their bodies by getting adequate sleep, making healthy eating choices, and engaging in exercise

All kids like to feel some sense of control. Provide them with choices whenever possible to cut through resistance and build their sense of autonomy, even within a framework of desired behaviors. For example:

• “It’s time to do homework. Do you want to start with math or writing?”
• “I want to check in with you when you’re out with friends. Do you want to text me, or should I text you?”

When-then statements are a good way to motivate desired behaviors. Examples of when-then statements include:

• “When you finish your homework, then you will get to play video games.”
• “When you finish your dinner, then you will get dessert.”
• “When you pick up your toys, then we can go to the park.”

Routines and other forms of daily structure ground your child, reduce stress, and help with organization.

• Establish consistent routines for mornings, after-school, bedtime, weekends, and other activities in between, like homework and down time.
• Ensure that your child gets enough sleep; poor sleep hygiene only makes it harder to regulate emotions and behavior.
• Help your child engage in regular physical activity.
• Have set mealtimes and offer your child a balanced diet with a variety of food options.
• Unstructured time is important; be sure to allow your child to rest and play.
• Use checklists, visuals, and timers to help your child adhere to routines and smooth transitions.

[Free Guide: A Sample Schedule for Kids with ADHD]

• Tell, don’t ask. Say, “Please sit down” instead of “Can you sit down?”
• Phrase directions in positives, or what to do rather than what not to do. Turn “stop running” into “Please walk.”
• Give one direction at a time, especially if your child struggles to hold multiple directions in mind at once. It’s handy to break down big tasks into smaller, manageable steps to make follow-through more likely. “Go clean your room” becomes “Pick up the clothes from the floor,” followed by other steps.
• Give the direction right before you want the behavior to occur.
• Offer your child the opportunity to comply with what you asked them to do. Give them about five seconds and then praise compliance immediately.

Repeat behavioral expectations right before you want the behavior to happen, no matter how many times your child has done the same activity. As you approach the playground, for example, lay out the behaviors you hope to see: “It's important to walk, wait your turn to play, use the equipment safely, and ask somebody first before playing.”

Screen use is a major pain point in many households. It’s important to set clear rules around using devices to make conflict less likely. Establish rules around digital curfews (no tablet use an hour before bedtime, for example), screen-free zones (like at the dinner table), type of content allowed to be viewed, daily time limits, and other areas that matter to you.

Give 10-, 5-, and 1-minute countdown warnings to your child, especially if they’re going from a preferred activity — like video game time — to a less-preferred activity — like dinner or homework. Warnings help bring down the temperature during an otherwise heated transition.

Carve out physical spaces at home for work, play, rest, and other functions. Having separate spaces for different activities and tasks helps your child stay organized and focused. Keep your child’s workspace free from distraction and clutter. The materials they need should be accessible and organized by a clear and easy-to-use system.

Guide your child toward independence with the right balance of supports and expectations. Attend to your child’s strengths and individual differences. What kind of support will your child need, for example, to independently clean their room if they struggle with following directions, working memory, and other symptoms of ADHD? A visual checklist that breaks the task into smaller parts may help your child get the job done.

Follow these guidelines to establish effective consequences for your child.

• Clearly define the behaviors that will lead to consequences. A behavior like “bothering your sibling” is too vague; “pushing your sibling” is clearer. Clearly define consequences, too.
• Apply consequences immediately after the behavior occurs. Try to be in a position to observe the behavior directly.
• Apply consequences consistently to promote a change in the behavior.
• Deliver consequences in conjunction with all of the positive behavior management strategies described above.

Kids easily pick up on what we are (and aren’t) doing. It’s more likely you will see the behaviors you want from your child if they see you practicing what you preach.

• Do you check your emails at the dinner table, even though you have a no-phones-at-meals rule?
• Do you model good manners and show respect to others in your home?
• Do you have routines for yourself?
• Do you engage in adaptive, healthy coping skills?
• How are you attending to your emotional wellbeing?

Authoritative Parenting: Next Steps

• Read: Managing Your Child’s Toughest Behavioral Problems
• Read: How to Break the Cycle of Authoritarian Parenting
• Read: Explaining ADHD in Positive, Empowering Terms

The content for this article was derived from the ADDitude webinar titled, “Parenting Styles That Work for Neurodivergent Children” [Video Replay & Podcast #481] with Caroline Mendel, PsyD, which was broadcast on November 29, 2023.

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