At 44, when I was diagnosed with ADHD, my neuropsychologist warned me that telling my family about it, given the personal background I provided, might not be the wisest idea.

Before I brought up ADHD to my family, they never questioned my previous medical diagnoses: migraines, a root canal, COVID-19, two bunionectomies, and two staph infections. My understanding of my health conditions was never challenged until it came to ADHD, when a single family member politely undermined my medical diagnosis, my grasp of reality, and my intelligence.

Why the ADHD denial?

To Deny ADHD Is to Uphold a Fraught Reality

Those who dismiss ADHD, I gather, often do it as an act of self-preservation. To deny ADHD is to avoid uncomfortable truths about opportunity and success.

From the moment small children can comprehend language, adult authority figures tell them that if they follow specific steps, a particular outcome is very likely or guaranteed. “Work hard, and you’ll get good grades.” “Success is no accident.”  “Practice makes perfect.” This rigid, unforgiving logic is the very foundation of the American Dream and a common justification not to help each other. Athletes, actors, musicians, authors, artists, scientists, and other recipients of professional honors, wealth, and prestige will parrot the same talking points.

[Read: Why It Hurts When Neurotypicals Claim an “ADHD Moment”]

My parents and teachers reiterated these adages too. All of my siblings ardently followed this advice, and they were richly rewarded for their legitimate hard work: private boarding schools in England, Ivy League graduate degrees, high incomes, networking with wealthy families, and professional achievements.

Not for me or the other one in 20 children in the 1980s who had ADHD, though.

The people who champion these simplistic platitudes don’t realize or account for the fact that learning isn’t that simple for those of us who are wired differently. If an undetected and untreated developmental disability stymied my academic and professional achievements – instead of my alleged lazy, unmotivated, unintelligent, and scatterbrained behaviors – then the reality for my family and all the other people who genuinely think they worked hard is shattered.

Despite steps to mitigate the effects of disability discrimination, this country still wrestles with the fact that not all opportunities for success are equal, especially in highly competitive, driven environments. Most upsetting is the fact that ADHD runs in families, meaning that “bad” genetics can threaten to upend one’s previously positive self-image and long-held beliefs about intelligence. The inability to accept reality, such as loved ones clinging to stigma over facts, takes hold in families and denies the possibility for compassion, empathy, and proper treatment.

Covert Denial and Faux Concern

I’ll give these skeptics and critics some credit: they know outright denials or rejections of an ADHD diagnosis are no longer socially acceptable. They really don’t want to appear brazenly ignorant by contradicting a widely recognized neurodevelopmental disorder.

[Read: “Is ADHD Really Real?” 6 Ranked Responses to ADD Skeptics]

What’s the “better” response? Very respectful, palatable contradictions that are cloaked in faux concern and passive-aggressive denial. “Being fidgety is normal in children, but now it’s a ‘condition!’” “The inability to focus and concentrate probably isn’t really ADHD.” “All of this ADHD nonsense is only a flashy trend.” “Is the rise in diagnoses social media’s fault?” In my case, I got the question, “Did you take this, um, ADHD test online? Because that’s not how diagnostic testing works.”

ADHD skeptics and critics don’t want to face the fact that one of the driving reasons neurotypical people flourished in life is because academic and workplace environments are mostly set up so only neurotypical people could thrive and prosper.

If there had ever been a proactive, organic nationwide movement to acknowledge and understand disabilities and work to equalize the playing field, then the Americans with Disabilities Act and the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act wouldn’t need to exist. Thankfully, legally mandated disability accommodations expand the chances of success to more people in the workplace, classroom, and other fields. However, with change comes unpredictability. Insecurity and fear drive prejudices and make ADHD accommodations difficult to obtain.

As for my family member who repeatedly attacked the credentials and professional licensure of the neuropsychologist who diagnosed me, I eventually got somewhat of an apology. “I think it’s really good you found ADHD. All of… that seems to be helping you.” I had no idea I had it so good.

ADHD Is Real: Next Steps

• Free Download: How Common Is ADHD in Adults?
• Read: The Definition of ADHD — Myths & Truths
• Read: The Controversy That Was Adult ADHD

Maria Reppas lives with her family on the East Coast. Visit her on Twitter and at mariareppas.com.

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“My autism is extremely invisible,” Lehmann says. “Society has more tolerance for a child having a meltdown but when an adult male who doesn’t look disabled does it, it comes across as very threatening.”

Recently on a work trip, Lehmann’s flight was delayed, causing his “Jenga tower of functioning” to come tumbling down. He kicked a trash can in frustration, attracting the attention of a heavily-armed police officer. Lehmann’s mother stepped in, explaining, “My son has autism. I’ve got this.” The officer took a step back, ready but waiting, as Lehmann calmed down.

Lehmann has had enough negative encounters with law enforcement — cornering him, cursing at him, shaming him — to know this was a best-case scenario. He’s terrified about what could have happened if he hadn’t had a traveling companion, or if the officer was more forceful. He wonders what the outcome might have been if he’d been Black.

The duty of law enforcement is to protect and serve, but when they encounter people with disabilities, too often the result is harm instead of help. Adults and teens with autism, ADHD, and other neurodevelopmental disorders appear to be at a heightened risk for negative outcomes every step of the way in the criminal justice system, from first police contact to questioning and detainment, to jail, trial, and beyond. Mishandled interactions can result in everything from distress and humiliation to jail time, or even death.

[Read: What the Americans with Disabilities Act Means For You]

While no comprehensive data exists on the collective outcomes when people with disabilities encounter police, we do know that neurodivergent individuals are over-represented in the carceral system. Rates of ADHD are six times higher among inmates than in the general public,¹  and rates of intellectual and developmental disabilities (including autism) are four times higher.²

Law Enforcement and the Neurodivergent: Unique Risks

Neurodivergent people face challenges with law enforcement as victims, witnesses, and especially as suspects. For individuals with autism, common behaviors like stimming, avoiding contact, or meltdowns arouse suspicion, which can lead officers to shout commands or make physical contact. This, in turn, intensifies sensory overwhelm and anxiety, making compliance less likely, not more.

Similarly, people with ADHD may have trouble following commands, because of impulsivity or distractibility, and this behavior can be viewed by police as uncooperative or disrespectful. An individual’s hyperactivity and restlessness, exacerbated by confinement to a chair in a small room, might be perceived as a sign of guilt. Working memory problems, time blindness, and memory distrust syndrome may cause a person with ADHD to have difficulty accurately answering questions or to reply, “I don’t know” to even simple questions such as: “Is this the road you live on?” Police may misinterpret this as evasiveness, another possible sign of guilt.

[Read About the Mom Spearheading Police Training on Autism]

In all these cases, what might have begun as a harmless situation can escalate quickly. “Officers that can’t identify the signs of disability may over-utilize force, may make an arrest for a situation that doesn’t call for one,” explains Texas Police Sergeant James Turner, who spent nearly a decade heading the Crisis Intervention Team (CIT) training in Austin, Texas.

Heightened Threats for People of Color

For neurodivergent people of color, the perils of an interaction with police are even greater. Black Americans are killed by police at twice the rate of White Americans, according to the Fatal Force Database, which has been tracking deadly police shootings since 2015.

Stephon Watts, a Black 15-year-old with autism in Illinois, was one of these victims. Watts’ parents called 911 to help respond to their son’s meltdown, but the arrival of the police only escalated Watts’ distress. Police fired two shots, killing Watts in his own home. In 2021, Illinois passed the Stephon Watts Act, also called the Community Emergency Services and Support Act (CESSA), which requires emergency responders to send mental health professionals to respond to mental or behavioral health calls.

Devastating stories like these keep Evelyn Polk Green, M.S., Ed., up at night. Past president of ADDA (Attention Deficit Disorder Association) and CHADD (Children and Adults with Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder), Green says that as a mother to Black sons with ADHD, she worries about all the things that any mother of a person with ADHD worries about in a police encounter. “It’s just multiplied exponentially by all the other things that we already have to worry about on top of it,” she explains. “Unfortunately, so often law enforcement is ready to jump to the absolute worst conclusion and with Black and brown kids, it’s even worse, because they often automatically assume they’re up to something.”

Disability Awareness Training on De-escalation Techniques

Experts agree: training is the essential first step in ensuring better outcomes. “Most people call 911 when they don’t know what to do. We have to be properly equipped in that moment to handle that crisis,” says Sergeant Turner. “We are problem solvers but we have to have the tools.”

Those tools are exactly what David Whalen, project director for Niagara University First Responder Disability Awareness Training (DAT), aims to provide. The DAT is an eight-hour comprehensive training that covers victimization, Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA) compliance, interface with CIT, interaction skills, proper language and specific information on identifying and understanding a dozen disabilities including ADHD, autism, Tourette’s syndrome, dementia, and epilepsy.

Sergeant Turner’s disability awareness training was received during a 40-hour CIT training, required for all cadets in Texas. CIT training addresses how to support people experiencing a mental health crisis, and Turner hastens to clarify: “People with disabilities are not mentally ill, though they can have that issue as well.” Because some of the techniques (including de-escalation) overlap, disability awareness is often folded into CIT training.

Key topics include:

• Recognition of Disability: Officers learn common signs and symptoms of disabilities. Not all individuals can self-identify, and some choose not to. Proper identification of disability prevents officers from jumping to erroneous conclusions, including that the person is intoxicated, and allows for ADA accommodations.
• De-escalation Techniques, including:
  • Giving the individual space and time to respond. Many encounters with disabled individuals take a tragic turn simply because of the speed at which they unfold, creating unmanageable (and often unnecessary) distress. “You don’t always need to rush up on them,” says Turner. “You need to ask yourself, what are the risks vs. benefits of delaying action?”
  • Appropriate communication is essential. If someone with autism is distressed or experiencing sensory overwhelm, for example, a loud, commanding voice may cause further overwhelm. Adjusting tone and pace of speech, or using a pad and pen or hand signals, might be appropriate. Sometimes, Turner says, the key might be to call a family member to ask for specific guidance about support.
  • When force is unavoidable, using less lethal tools like tasers and pepper spray can save lives.
• Connect with Community Resources: Often, Whalen says, it is invaluable for officers to help individuals pursue longer-term support. Turner agrees: “We are not the experts. We just need to know who the experts are.”

“Fighting for Crumbs of Funding”

It’s clear that training works to improve outcomes. Yet there’s enormous variability in how much, if any, disability awareness training police officers receive, since it’s largely determined on a local level.  Too often, Whalen says, training only happens as a term of a settlement after a person with disability, or their family, sues the police for wrongdoing.

This was the case in Maryland; the bill that now requires disability awareness training for all police officers — through the Ethan Saylor Alliance — was created only after a 26-year-old man with Down Syndrome was killed when sheriff deputies tried to forcibly eject him from a movie theater where he neglected to buy a ticket.

“It would be beneficial to have something mandated at the national level but you have got to have the funding to support implementation,” says Leigh Anne McKingsley, senior director of Criminal Justice Initiatives at The Arc. “This issue of disability justice has been bumped down the priority list, and we’re fighting for crumbs of funding to bring about the exposure and education we need.”

Beyond Training: Community Resources

Training is crucial, but McKingsley says: “You can’t just expect training to take care of everything,” This is why, as part of its training, The Arc’s Pathway to Justice program assembles Disability Response Teams (DRT). These are multidisciplinary planning teams that bring together law enforcement, people with disabilities, attorneys, victim advocates, and disability advocates to collaborate in an open dialogue.

“The mandate is, on the day of training, the DRT starts making a plan of action moving forward,” McKingsley says. That includes brainstorming how to address the most glaring gaps in support and services both short and long term, and figuring out how to expand disability training in the community.

Sergeant Turner, who served on a DRT in 2019, agrees that bringing together police officers and people with disabilities leads to better policing. “Anytime someone calls 911, well, it’s probably not the best day of that person’s life,” Turner says. “Showing what a person with a disability looks like when they’re not in crisis is important.” Lehmann agrees: “Get-togethers with fun activities allow police officers to see the human side of disability, and they give that context.”

On the flip side, Lehmann points out, these community events help people with disabilities familiarize themselves with police officers in a calm environment, alleviating anxiety and setting the stage for better outcomes.

To truly tackle the problem though, McKingsley says, we have to understand its contours more fully, and this requires research, which is currently scarce. “Data would help us better evaluate the training, to know what strategies work and why,” he says. “The more we can show how often these encounters are happening, the more we can bolster our ability to go to local and state entities for action.”

Detained by Police? Keep This in Mind

If law enforcement stops you with questions, remember these three key pieces of advice from Rosemary Hollinger, J.D., founder of Partner Up, LLC:

1. First, pause. It’s important to not say the first thought that goes through your mind.
2. Tell the officer you have ADHD. Under the ADA, you’re entitled to reasonable accommodations, including modified questioning, fidgets, frequent breaks, and access to your medication.
3. Before you answer questions, make sure to have someone you trust, such as a lawyer or family member, with you to figure out exactly what happened. You must be truthful and accurate with police, so if you are forgetful and have time blindness, it’s essential to have a lawyer or trusted person with you to support you.

ADHD and the Risk of False Confession

Susan Young, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist in London, has conducted extensive research about people with ADHD in the criminal justice system. One study in which she was involved found that people with ADHD were at an increased risk of making a false confession, and the more severe the person’s ADHD, the greater the risk.³

If police don’t recognize that an individual’s difficulty following commands, sitting still, and answering questions is a result of ADHD, they may misinterpret these behaviors as evasive and guilty, explains Young. This may cause police to detain the person for even longer, which in turn exacerbates symptoms — particularly if the person’s ADHD medication has worn off. It’s a vicious, dangerous cycle which creates desperation.

“There’s all this anxiety; they want to get out,” says Young, who adds that sometimes, people with ADHD will choose to proceed without an attorney present, because they can’t bear to extend the process at all.

“They just want to leave,” Young concludes. “And they’ll say anything.”

The study concluded that safeguards for people with ADHD must be “put in place to prevent miscarriages of justice.”

Law Enforcement and Neurodivergent Justice: Next Steps

• Read: Crime, Punishment, and Redemption for My Son with ADHD
• Q&A: Recently Diagnosed, ADA Information
• Read: ADHD Clinicians Must Consider Racial Bias in Evaluation and Treatment of Black Children
• Upcoming Webinar: AuDHD Guidance – Why Autism Is So Difficult to Diagnose in Women and Girls with ADHD

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Sources

¹ Young S, Moss D, Sedgwick O, Fridman M, Hodgkins P. A meta-analysis of the prevalence of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder in incarcerated populations. Psychol Med. 2015 Jan;45(2):247–58. https://doi.org/10.1017/S0033291714000762

²   Bureau of Justice Statistics, Disabilities Among Prison and Jail Inmates, 2011-2012 (U.S. Department of Justice, 2015), tables 4 and 5, http://www.bjs.gov/content/pub/pdf/dpji1112.pdf.

³ Gudjonsson, G. H., Gonzalez, R. A., & Young, S. (2021). The Risk of Making False Confessions: The Role of Developmental Disorders, Conduct Disorder, Psychiatric Symptoms, and Compliance. Journal of Attention Disorders, 25(5), 715-723. https://doi.org/10.1177/1087054719833169

Allyship serves as a powerful antidote to stigma and bias — and it comes in many forms. To understand what kinds of support are most meaningful, we asked ADDitude readers who are members of the neuroqueer community to tell us what makes a true ally. Here’s what they said:

“A loyal ally speaks up and shuts down derogatory conversations even when a targeted party isn’t present. I’m proud to be that person for people who need support.” — Christine, Ontario

“A true ally is someone who listens to you and does not judge. I’m a woman who is gay and has ADHD. As a child, I had one particular teacher in high school who took me under her wing and supported me through very turbulent times as a teenager.” — Sally, Australia

“A true ally is someone who doesn’t project rejection. People with ADHD already have plenty of that and LGBTQIA people are set up to experience that even more strongly and frequently.” — An ADDitude Reader

[Read: The Clinicians’ Guide to Serving and Protecting LGBTQIA+ Youth]

“My mom. I was accepted always, no matter what. I realized that I fall on the queer spectrum only after her passing, but the unconditional love and acceptance I experienced from her as a kid made me not give a single crap if others didn’t accept me as an adult.” — Marla, New Jersey

“There is a social group that acts as ‘adopted’ family members for LGBTQIA community members who have been shunned by their biological families. This group shows up to events such as graduations and weddings to cheer you on. Being treated with so much kindness and compassion stops the shame spiral of feeling unworthy of love and happiness.” — FJ, Ontario

“School staff that make the environment hostile to bigotry.” — An ADDitude Reader

“I am bi and have ADHD, and I’m grateful that my friend group is full of other LGBTQ+ and neurodivergent people.” — Kelsie, Mississippi

[Read: “We Are Who We Are. There’s No Shame in That.”]

“I’m a member of the LGBTQIA community and my best allies have been good listeners who make space for me to figure out how I feel and what I want to do with my life.” — Meg, North Carolina

“The people who have been the most supportive are people who deeply understand the neurodivergent experience and have taken time to listen to me and understand what it’s like to have that experience with the added layer of queerness. It’s so much more complex and all-consuming than I think non-queer and neurotypical people can realize.” — Charles, Pennsylvania

“A true ally is one who genuinely wants people to express who they are.”  — Pamela, Quebec

How to Be a Neuroqueer Ally: Next Steps

• Read: All My Friends Are Neurodivergent — and Wonderful
• Read: Happily Neurodivergent — at Last
• Read: Coping With the Stigma of ADHD

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In other words, it’s critical for college students and others who recently moved out on their own to develop reliable medication management routines without parental scaffolding — and to advocate for their own health care needs at the doctor’s office.

[Free Resource: 2024 Scorecard of ADHD Treatments]

Here is the advice I give to my young adult patients:

• Incorporate medication administration into your daily routine. Use alarms or reminders on your phone, or associate medication with specific daily activities (e.g., breakfast or brushing teeth). Use a pill organizer to keep track of doses.
• Understand the expected effects and potential side effects of ADHD medication, and the likelihood that ADHD symptoms will return if doses are skipped. Also know that ADHD medication reduces the risk of substance use and improves productivity at work and in school.
• With your provider, brainstorm ways to adjust your routine to better support medication maintenance. Discuss different medication options, such as long-acting versus short-acting formulations.
• Regularly monitor medication effectiveness and side effects. Keep track of changes in symptoms or adverse reactions. Talk to your doctor about these and any other challenges with your medication regimen, concerns about mixing your ADHD medication with other medications or substances, difficulties adhering to the prescribed schedule, or struggles with getting timely refills from your pharmacy.
• If you experience significant side effects, worsening symptoms, or recognize a change or deterioration in your work performance, relationships, sleep, exercise routines, task management, or overall executive functioning skills, it’s important to tell your health care provider.

ADHD Medication Management: Next Steps

• Download: Get Control of Your Life and Schedule
• Q&A: ADHD Medication — Side Effects, Dosages, Precautions & More
• Read: How to Treat a Teen Self-Medicating ADHD

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
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“Procrasti-cleaning” is most appealing when I’m faced with a project that isn’t clear-cut. Cleaning feels like a comparatively easy win. If I spend five minutes tidying up my desk, it will look visibly improved. Five minutes of writing, however, doesn’t always leave me feeling like I’ve made any progress.

Having an easily distracted brain doesn’t help. As someone with ADHD, I spend a lot of my day modulating my attention. I notice, and then subsequently choose to ignore, many potential distractions. These distractions come from within (e.g., the spark of new ideas, recalling items on my to-do list) and elsewhere (e.g., stray socks on the floor, dirty dishes in the sink).

[Read: Why the ADHD Brain Chooses the Less Important Task]

It takes a lot of energy to keep focused on a task that doesn’t excite me. I can feel my thoughts ping-ponging, bouncing around the walls of my head. My mind desperately seeks anything – even cleaning – on which to latch.

Giving in to procrastination, even if it’s in the form of something productive like cleaning, doesn’t usually feel good. But one day – when facing another complex project that I dreaded – I asked myself, what if I give into my impulse to escape, but for a limited period?

I set a timer for 10 minutes and went on a cleaning and organizing spree. I let myself go wherever I felt, addressing anything that triggered me: a napkin that had fallen on the floor, laundry that needed to be put away, unpaid bills, texts that needed to be sent.

After the timer rang, I got to work on some writing. I felt noticeably calmer and focused because my space was tidier and less distracting. And having a small win from cleaning gave me the dopamine boost I needed to sit down for less linear work.

[Read: Stop Dodging That Dreaded Task! 9 Ways to Halt Avoidance Procrastination]

I now follow this practice regularly, especially after dropping off my youngest at preschool, when I have a couple hours to get some higher-level work done. Starting off my free time with puttering allows me to clear my mind and space first, which inevitably makes the rest of my time more productive.

Another benefit to The 10-Minute Putter? It feels a bit like unmasking. A lot of us with ADHD (women, especially) have learned to mask our stereotypically ADHD characteristics because they make us seem less responsible, intelligent, or successful. When I putter, I get to operate however I want, without the usual confines to which I restrict myself.

The next time you have a daunting project or a moment in which you don’t know where or how to start, I invite you to pull out a timer and putter (or procrasti-clean) for 10 minutes. I hope it helps you unleash more momentum, focus, and creativity in your work and life.

Productive Procrastination and ADHD: Next Steps

• Free Download: How to Stimulate Your ADHD Brain When Dopamine Dips
• Read: When Procrastination Is OK
• Read: How to Set Intentions to Crush Procrastination

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Why am I like this? Why is everything such a struggle?

These are the questions that would plague me as soon as I’d wake up. There would be an avalanche of tumbling thoughts accompanied by fruitless resolutions to do better today than I did yesterday and most of the days of the past 50 years of my life.

Shoulds and have-tos mounted before I even sat up in bed. Procrastination began immediately. Today, I’d proclaim, I’ll start getting ready as soon as I have my coffee. But… I didn’t. Merely getting into the shower was a battle. By the time I was ready, I was already running behind. Again.

Most of the days in my life looked like this. I’m an adult, I’d tell myself. I’ve been an adult for decades. So why can’t I ever manage to plug my intentions into my motor cortex and just DO things without an epic struggle through resistance?

As Brené Brown told Tim Ferriss: “Midlife… is not a crisis. It’s a slow, brutal unraveling.” For most of my life, cycles of procrastination and panic-induced productivity got me through things — more or less. But when I reached midlife, burnout was increasingly winning these battles. My old constant companion, anxiety, was just sort of there, hanging out like the parasite it was. Cranked up to 11, yes, but what good was it if it could no longer motivate me like it used to?

The Midlife Shift

Today, when I wake up, there’s no wave of anxiety, no dread of getting out of bed. I pour a cup of coffee and sit at my window, watching the birds. I take my time in the morning. My one rule for early mornings is to not engage in screen time right after waking. I sit and sip and let my mind wander.

[Download This Free Guide to Menopause and ADHD]

After journaling and meditating, it’s time for breakfast. I get ready at my own pace. My morning routine takes a long time, but I can afford to take my time. I schedule my days to allow it, because this is what my mind and body want. This sets the tone for the day.

Then comes work. I step gently through my to-do list, taking breaks when I need to. I switch tasks, working for a short block at each. The pacing is enough to prevent boredom and frustration, while still giving each task enough time to make some progress. I’m so much more consistent than I used to be; I make a little progress on each project each day. No more default procrastination, unable to start a task until I’m right up against — or past — an appointment or a deadline, then relying on intense stress to push through.

What changed?

An ADHD Diagnosis After Menopause

I was diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 52. Like many women with ADHD, I was diagnosed after menopause, when a drop in hormones makes symptoms much more apparent. Despite no medical professional ever spotting it before, my ADHD, as my diagnostician put it, “isn’t subtle.” He had to walk me through a meltdown over the phone when I couldn’t get through the questionnaire for my evaluation.

I’ll never forget the sense of gratification and relief I felt as I looked at his report. I read his clinical judgments for the degree of impairment for each symptom: “Severe.” “Severe.” “Severe.” Or sometimes, “Moderate to severe.”

[We Demand Attention: A Call for Research on ADHD and the Menopausal Transition]

After learning what having ADHD really meant — being wired for executive functioning difficulties — I was finally able to be compassionate and accepting toward the way I operated. My struggles and limitations started to make sense.

Starting Over

I tried a thought experiment: What if I start to regard all my supposed flaws and weaknesses — my absentmindedness, my inability to focus, the way I was always running late, how desperately hard it was to start any task — as features I simply have to work with, with no moral condemnation attached to them?

This was a major reversal from the way I had previously moved through my life. This meant starting over with a mindset that I hadn’t had since almost before my earliest memories. And with that, everything shifted.

I started to schedule around my energy levels, instead of what I thought I “should” be able to do. For example, I stopped thinking of 40-hour (or more) work weeks as somehow being optimal. Instead, I asked myself what I could do with part-time hours, so that I could live without constant burnout.

By understanding executive dysfunction and the constant fatigue of working with a very messy high-octane brain, I radically dialed back my demands of myself. I learned to work within my window of tolerance.

I stopped thinking of my energy limits as temporary obstacles, to be dismissed or plowed through. This was my wiring. It’s not going to change. This is what I have to work with.

Midlife ADHD and Menopause: Next Steps

• Free Download: Women, Hormones, & ADHD
• Read: ADHD Impairment Peaks in Menopause
• Read: Hormonal Changes & ADHD — A Lifelong Tug-of-War

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One of the greatest gifts, and challenges, of this life stage is the freedom to explore and choose — in personal and professional realms. This is liberating, but if you’re a young adult with executive functioning deficits, dealing with housing, roommates, work, and relationship issues can be stressful.

Advice for Young Adults with ADHD

Follow these six rules for transitioning to independent living:

1. Pay your bills on time. Set up bill-pay reminders or automatic payments. Use a budget app to track how you spend money. Shop with cash only to limit impulsive purchases. Understand credit card terms and the importance of a good credit score. If you need help making a budget, ask experienced friends, your parents, or other caring adults.

2. Show up when you are expected. Give yourself more time than you think you’ll need (or even plan to arrive early). Use analog clocks, watches, and timers to manage time effectively. Use calendars to remind yourself of events and responsibilities.

3. Set routines. Create habits and schedules to support your health. Exercise regularly to improve ADHD symptoms, memory, and mood; eat a balanced diet; and stick to a regular sleep schedule.

[Get This Free Download: Get Control of Your Life and Schedule]

4. Notice your emotional triggers. Whether it’s a stomach knot or sweaty palms, pay attention to signals that indicate strong emotions before they escalate. In a calm moment, make a list of soothing activities to help you reset. Breathing techniques, stepping outside, or going to the bathroom to splash water on your face are a few ideas.

5. Learn to communicate effectively. Conflict happens. In tense conversations with friends, housemates, and colleagues, it’s important to communicate without blame and to listen without judgment. When your housemates are up until 2 a.m. on a work night, drinking and gaming loudly in the living room, rushing out of your bedroom to yell at them won’t help. You could ask them nicely to lower the volume or ask for a meeting the next day to express your frustrations using this formula: “I feel __________ when you __________ because __________ .” The goal is to reach a good compromise.

6. Be smart about dating. After you’ve connected with someone (online, at a party, or elsewhere), meet them at a public place you already know. Tell friends where you are going and with whom. Despite your ADHD go-with-the-flow impulses, don’t go home with them or bring them to your home right away. Give yourself time to evaluate this person, and let your friends meet them, too.

Advice for Parents of Young Adults

When decision-making moves from parents to adult children, the road turns rocky in new ways. The dilemma for many parents of young people with ADHD is this: When should I express my concerns about their choices or risky behaviors?

Parental authority and influence decrease dramatically as our children age. By the time they reach their 20s, a parent can only say and do so much. Then it’s time to let go.

[Read: ADHD Independence-Building Strategies for Parents]

Here are a few ideas to help parents foster connection and independence:

• Listen with genuine curiosity. Acknowledge what you hear. Before you respond, reflect on what you are going to say. Are you about to tell them what to do? If so, how can you reframe your suggestion as a question?
• Pick your battles. Agree on your role in giving reminders, for example, and the circumstances under which you will say nothing. Separate your anxiety from theirs. Wait 24 hours to process an upsetting issue so everybody cools down enough to have a conversation.
• Trust your kids. What did you want most from your parents? I wanted my parents to stop asking questions about how I was going to use my college degree and to trust the process of my explorations. Your kids will figure it out, ultimately, just as you did.

Watch for Warning Signs

You want to respect your adult child’s space, but you also want to be able to identify concerning behaviors or situations when they appear. Here are red flags that may signal trouble ahead:

• Substance use: Young adults with ADHD face an increased risk for substance abuse. Promptly address any signs of substance misuse, such as appearing impaired, experiencing problems meeting obligations at work or at school, or withdrawing from important activities.
• Anxiety at work: Watch for signs of workplace stress, and help your child brainstorm coping mechanisms. Maintain open communication about your young adult’s occupational challenges, including job stability and performance.
• Career planning: Is your college student exploring suitable career paths with access to accommodations? Ask about exploratory conversations with educators and career counselors.
• ADHD treatment: Do missed appointments or lost items suggest that your child is not consistently managing their ADHD medication? Encourage them to maintain steady treatment and secure support through therapy and academic or occupational accommodations.

Embracing Independence with ADHD: Next Steps

• Free Download: Securing ADHD Accommodations in College
• Read: Enabling vs. Supporting – Helping ADHD Kids Be Independent
• Read: 5 Life Skills Every Young Adult with ADHD Should (Eventually) Master

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Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

I pack my things into my mini backpack and out the door I go. This is the beginning of a 4.75-mile rumination out in beautiful nature, with a quarter mile at the end reserved for noticing and enjoying said nature — 112 minutes of rumination and 8 minutes of awe.

Life is good. The weather is clear and welcoming. The trail is all mine. These are perfect conditions to start my dive into a deep, negative, ruminative trance. Soon I’ll be sucked into an intricately engineered inner-dialogue of ADHD angst, despair, and huffy ire — exactly what you’d want to be doing on a walk through the open-air beauty of the outdoors.

Not.

My Ruminations: Negative ADHD Thoughts Galore

My ADHD ruminations are usually born from a simple thought that bugs me just enough to spur further thought. Soon this little bug-thought grows into a goliath insect that lumbers like a creepy thing beside me for most of my precious time on the trail. Life is short. Trail walks are even shorter. Ruminations are hungry wasps that will eat up all my time if I let them.

My walking ruminations tend to be hypothetical conversations with people in my life — central or peripheral. I invent their words and my responses to them. None of it is real, it’s negative or positive, and it continues unabated because it feels impossible to halt.

[Read: 9 Calming Strategies for a Racing, Restless Mind]

At times, my ruminations are practice-talk for the future, which can be a good thing. I might practice what I’d say in a personal conversation, an ADHD coaching session with a client, or a presentation. These are helpful. Other times, these imaginary dialogues bring me down because they trash the opportunity to be positive. They invent and reinforce worst-case scenarios. They also trick my brain into thinking that my life really is a negative soup — all based on a complete fabrication.

It’s a Pattern: Putting a Stop to Negative Thoughts

Ruminations take over my mind and it feels as if I have no choice — but I do. But how do I choose if I don’t always realize I have options?

In the book ADHD 2.0, Edward Hallowell, M.D., and John Ratey, M.D., explain how our ADHD brains spend more time in the Default Mode Network (DMN) than does a non-ADHD brain. This DMN is where we generate our creative thinking — for better and for worse. My active DMN is what the trees along my walking trail can thank for my loud kvetching as I pass by.

But I knew all this and yet kept walking and fretting. Then, one day, a wave of nostalgia hit me when a song came on my phone during one of my rumination walks. It was a song I listened to during my COVID walks when the world shut down. Just as it did on those pandemic walks, the tune sparked in me a practiced response: teary-eyed sadness.

[Read: How to Stop Overthinking Things — A User’s Manual for Your ADHD Brain]

Then it hit me: Wait a second. There is no sad situation right now. COVID and that challenging time is over. That song was sparking an old, habituated response and it dawned on me that this was akin to what my ruminations do. They spur in me a practiced response to something that isn’t there. It’s a mirage, fake, not true. It showed me how far from reality my mind can stray, and how easily and quickly it gets there.

“Steph,” I said, “you don’t have to practice this response all the time. You don’t have to practice it at all.”

So, on that walk, I didn’t. I let it go. I squelched the beginnings of a new rumination. I quieted my mind because suddenly I saw that my reality was quite peaceful and secure. There were trees and birds. There was sun and a special time I could spend in nature. In that moment, I moved from ruminator extraordinaire to grateful me because, for once, I could just be without the struggle. I can’t describe how freeing that was.

Ruminating Thoughts and ADHD: Next Steps

• Free Download: 9 Truths About ADHD and Intense Emotions
• Read: How to Stop Catastrophizing — A Guide for ADHD Worriers
• Read: ADHD Lessons from Ultrarunning — Accept Help and Support Your Needs
• Read: Putting a Stop to Toxic Thoughts

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A cluttered, disorganized living environment is as common as it is unsettling for many people who have ADHD. Overwhelm often prevents them from even getting started on decluttering. For some people, the clutter reaches a level that compromises their ability to live safely in their homes. This is usually the result of hoarding disorder. Sometimes, it’s difficult to discern what constitutes clutter versus hoarding.

Michael Tompkins, Ph.D., will explain why the traits in ADHD contribute to excessive clutter and hoarding. He will also walk viewers through the process of managing these often-debilitating situations and employing strategies for success.

In this webinar, you will learn:

• About the ADHD traits and underlying causes that contribute to clutter and hoarding
• About signs of clutter and hoarding, and red flags for when clutter turns into hoarding
• How clutter is different from hoarding, and the characteristics that define each
• About practical strategies to help decrease clutter and disorganization
• How to deal with hoarding in your own living situation or with a loved one
• How cognitive behavior therapy for ADHD and hoarding can help people manage better

Have a question for our expert? There will be an opportunity to post questions for the presenter during the live webinar.

Meet the Expert Speaker

Michael A. Tompkins, Ph.D., ABPP, is a licensed psychologist and board certified in Behavioral and Cognitive Psychology. He is co-director of the San Francisco Bay Area Center for Cognitive Therapy, and a faculty member of the Beck Institute for Cognitive and Behavior Therapy. He is the author or co-author of numerous articles and chapters on cognitive-behavior therapy and related topics, as well as 16 books, including Digging Out: Helping Your Loved One Manage Cutter, Hoarding, and Compulsive Acquiring (with Tamara L. Hartl) (New Harbinger, 2009) and Clinician’s Guide to Severe Hoarding: A Harm Reduction Approach (Springer, 2014). (#CommissionsEarned) The Mental Health Association of San Francisco awarded him the 2013 Lifetime Achievement Award for his contribution to the understanding of hoarding and cluttering. Dr. Tompkins has presented to national and international audiences on the topic hoarding, particularly managing hoarding behaviors through a harm reduction approach.

#CommissionsEarned As an Amazon Associate, ADDitude earns a commission from qualifying purchases made by ADDitude readers on the affiliate links we share. However, all products linked in the ADDitude Store have been independently selected by our editors and/or recommended by our readers. Prices are accurate and items in stock as of time of publication.

Hoarding vs. ADHD Clutter: More Resources

• Download: Clean Up and Get Organized in One Weekend
• Get: Declutter Your Life (and Home! and Office!)
• Read: What Does Hoarding Disorder Look Like?
• Read: How to Motivate for Cleaning House When You Really Don’t Want To

Webinar Sponsor

The sponsor of this ADDitude webinar is….

“Sorry about the random piles of stuff” is something we’ve all probably said to someone entering our house. ADHD can make it feel impossible to keep a tidy house, and the usual tips and tricks don’t work for the seemingly never ending piles of things. Here at Inflow, we get it and we’re here to help. Developed by leading ADHD clinicians, Inflow is a self-help program that uses CBT principles to teach effective strategies that help you stay organized, take control of your ADHD, and actually get stuff done. Get your ADHD score today to kick off your Inflow journey.

ADDitude thanks our sponsors for supporting our webinars. Sponsorship has no influence on speaker selection or webinar content.

Certificate of Attendance: For information on how to purchase the certificate of attendance option (cost $10), register for the webinar, then look for instructions in the email you’ll receive one hour after it ends. The certificate of attendance link will also be available here, on the webinar replay page, several hours after the live webinar. ADDitude does not offer CEU credits.

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Nearly two-thirds of ADDitude readers ages 18 to 29 report feeling lonely “always” or “often,” according to a new survey of 4,170 adults with ADHD. Living or working with others made little difference; 89 percent of these young adults say they feel lonely even then. Only 19 percent say social media makes them feel more connected. In contrast, 46 percent of people ages 68 to 77—the demographic traditionally associated with social isolation — reported the same levels of loneliness.

“My ADHD makes it hard to remember to reach out or respond,” wrote one 28-year-old woman with inattentive ADHD, “but rejection sensitive dysphoria hits hard when I’m not reached out to or responded to, even though I acknowledge that hypocrisy. ADHD also makes it hard to leave the apartment (time management, overwhelm at what it takes to leave, energy to be social, executive function difficulties, etc.), so even if I’m invited, I find reasons to cancel.”

“For me, ADHD and loneliness impact one another,” wrote one survey respondent. “Now I neither want relationships nor do I have the energy to keep up the masking necessary to navigate relationships. It requires too much effort.”

When ADHD Symptoms Lead to Loneliness

The stories of social isolation shared by ADDitude readers were reflected in the findings of a recent meta-analysis of studies investigating whether young people with ADHD experienced greater loneliness than their neurotypical peers. The review of 20 studies, involving about 6,300 participants, concluded that people with ADHD who were younger than 25 had significantly elevated levels of loneliness due, in part, to mental health struggles, including anxiety and depression, and to “feeling different” because of their ADHD. Researchers called this an “important problem” of which clinicians should be aware for early identification and intervention, according to the study published in February in the Journal of Attention Disorders.¹

“I feel too quirky and awkward,” wrote one survey respondent. “I’m fun at first, but quickly become too much for others. I want there to be less of me.”

[Read: “Why Don’t I Have Any Friends?”]

For more than three-quarters of ADDitude survey respondents, feelings of loneliness are tied directly to ADHD symptoms, manifestations, and repercussions. According to the survey, the most common ADHD-related roots of loneliness include:

• low self-esteem: 67%
• rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD): 65%
• social anxiety: 64%
• poor working memory: 63%
• “masking” who they really are: 59%
• executive dysfunction and disorganization: 57%

The Painful Toll of Loneliness

Loneliness correlates to mental health problems for 78 percent of adults with ADHD, who also report high levels of anxiety (65%) and depression (61%), among other comorbid conditions. For two-thirds of survey respondents, loneliness has led to toxic relationships, substance abuse, self-harm, binge eating, excessive spending, and porn addiction.

Among ADDitude readers who say they “always” or “often” feel lonely, only 26 percent live alone. Retirement, lonely marriages, physically limiting health conditions, and strenuous caregiving responsibilities were often cited by older survey respondents, who say that late ADHD diagnoses contributed to their loneliness as well.

“Grieving the loss of what I perceived as a ‘good’ life after my ADHD diagnosis made me feel like a failure,” wrote one older adult. “I cannot undo the damage or ill feelings caused by my past actions, and this recognition has caused me even more pain.”

[Read: The Science of Loneliness]

“When I feel lonely,” said one survey respondent, “I want to reach out, but I usually don’t because:

1.  ‘Out of sight out of mind’ has left too much time between interactions, and I feel shame over this.
2. When no one reaches out to me, or if I reach out and get no immediate response, RSD kicks in and I’m immediately overwhelmed with self-loathing.
3. I dwell on each previous interaction and why this person may be harboring ill feelings toward me.
4. Depression asks, ‘What’s the point of interaction? It’ll just exhaust you.’”

Causes of Loneliness For People with ADHD

More than half of the adults surveyed say they have trouble making and keeping friends for the following reasons:

• feeling overwhelmed
• fearing rejection
• experiencing social anxiety
• receiving few social invitations

“It’s a cruel loop,” one survey respondent said. “I feel safe when alone, so, much of the time, it’s a relief. But then, the loneliness is crushing.”

Coping with Loneliness

A spate of startups like the United Kingdom’s Timeleft and Friender are joining the veteran app Meetup in efforts to facilitate online connections that lead to real-life interactions. Some apps invite groups of strangers to meet for dinner at a specific time and place. Others work more like platonic dating apps where users scroll profiles before making plans. And some draw people together over common interests.

More than two-thirds of people say they feel less lonely when they reach out and connect with others in person, or via text or phone call. They also successfully alleviate loneliness through the following:

• physical touch: 62%
• engaging in a hobby: 58%
• spending time with their pet: 56%
• working with a therapist: 52%

“Letting the Mask Slip“ in Neurodivergent Friendships

More than half of adults surveyed say they relate better to, and feel less lonely around, other neurodivergent adults.

“Being with other neurodivergent folks validates my experience of living with ADHD,” wrote one survey respondent. “There’s less judgment.”

Said another adult with ADHD: “In a neurodivergent group, I don’t feel weird, and I can let my mask slip. It is less taxing and there is less of a chance of me freaking out later over social mistakes I might have made.”

Loneliness and ADHD: Next Steps

• Read: Birds of a Feather: The Joy of Neurodivergent Friendships
• Read: “How Do You Keep From Being Socially Isolated as an ADHD Adult?”
• Read: “Why Don’t I Have Any Friends?”

Sources

¹Jong A, Odoi CM, Lau J, J Hollocks M. Loneliness in Young People with ADHD: A Systematic Review and Meta-Analysis. J Atten Disord. 2024 May;28(7):1063-1081. doi: 10.1177/10870547241229096. Epub 2024 Feb 23. PMID: 38400533; PMCID: PMC11016212.

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“Social interactions rely on a complex orchestration of brain functions, from understanding another person’s point of view, recognizing their emotional state, feeling their emotional pain, and so on. Difficulties with any of these can affect our ability to connect to others,” says Ellen Lee, M.D., associate professor of psychiatry at the University of California San Diego. “The emotional pain and stress of loneliness can also take a toll on our brains.”

Lee was the corresponding author of a systemic review of 41 studies, involving 16,771 adult participants, examining the neurobiology of loneliness. Researchers in those studies used brain imaging and other scans to identify the differences in the brain structure and function of lonely people. The findings showed that some people were hard-wired for loneliness in the same way that some are hard-wired for anxiety.

Loneliness is defined as the emotional discomfort one feels when their need for intimacy and social connection goes unmet.

In the lonely participants, abnormal structure and/or activity was discovered in the prefrontal cortex, which mediates emotional regulation and inhibitory control; the insula, which plays a role in emotional pain and self-awareness; and in other parts of the brain. The review was published in the journal Neuropsychopharmacology in 2021.¹

[Test Yourself: How Severe Is Your Loneliness? Take This Quiz]

Lee says it’s possible that brain changes associated with ADHD, depression, and anxiety can lead to feelings of prolonged loneliness because people tend to withdraw from social interactions when they have low mood or other symptoms.

“Researchers are starting to study these links to understand if improving loneliness could be a way to improve these symptoms,” she says.

Lonely Brains Process the World Differently

In a study published in the journal Psychological Science in 2023, researchers discovered that lonely people viewed the world differently from each other and from nonlonely people. Using fMRI scans to examine neural responses to stimuli (videos) and other methods, the researchers also administered a loneliness scale and survey to evaluate the 66 study participants.²

They found that loneliness was associated with structural and functional differences in regions of the brain, and the researchers said their results remained significant even after controlling for individuals’ reported numbers of friends.

“Lonely people process the world idiosyncratically, which may contribute to the reduced sense of being understood that often accompanies loneliness,” the researchers said in the study. “In other words, we found that nonlonely individuals were very similar to each other in their neural responses, whereas lonely individuals were remarkably dissimilar to each other and to their nonlonely peers.”

The researchers said the findings “raise the possibility that being surrounded predominantly by people who view the world differently from oneself may be a risk factor for loneliness (even if one socializes regularly with them).”

Those findings echo the lived experience of many adults with ADHD who report feeling a sense of isolation due to their perceived difference. “I mostly feel like a dolphin in a sea of stingrays,” an ADDitude reader says. “I never meet people with whom I have anything significant in common, and with whom I can forge solid, lasting friendships.”

[Read: How to Make Friends As an Adult With ADHD]

The Evolutionary Function of Loneliness

Stephanie Cacioppo, Ph.D., a behavioral neuroscientist whose research seeks to understand how people experience different emotions, says evolution has sculpted the human brain to respond to biological mechanisms like hunger and thirst. Hunger, she says, is triggered by low blood sugar and motivates us to eat. Thirst helps us find water before we become dehydrated. Pain encourages us to take care of our body.

“Loneliness alerts us to potential threats, and damage to our social body, and in doing so, increases our motivation to bond with others,” says Cacioppo, author of Wired for Love. “It’s the brain’s way of telling you: You’re in social danger, you’re on the periphery of the group, you feel left out, misunderstood, you need protection, inclusion, support, and love. One of the most important things that love can do, it turns out, is shield us from the ravages of chronic loneliness.”

Cacioppo says it’s not uncommon for people to mask in the company of others when they don’t feel a sense of connection.

“Masking is totally understandable from a neuroscientific perspective,” she says. “The best solution is to stay authentic. Authenticity is the key to connectivity. Building connections with people while staying true to yourself can be a buffer against loneliness.”

How to Deal with Loneliness

Cacioppo offers several strategies to address chronic loneliness, encapsulated by the acronym G.R.A.C.E.:

Gratitude: Every day, write down five things you truly appreciate. Science shows that expressing gratitude improves emotional wellbeing.

Reciprocity: If you know someone who feels lonely, ask them for help or for advice. Showing respect can give a lonely person a sense of worth and belonging that decreases feelings of isolation.

Altruism: Helping others, and sharing your knowledge, will give you a feeling of self-expansion that is similar to what people experience when they are in a love relationship.

Choice: The tricky thing about loneliness is that, to some extent, it’s self-fulfilling. The more you think you are lonely, the more you are. To break the spiral, shift your mindset and choose to be curious about how you can make meaningful connections.

Enjoy: Smiling and sharing good times (or good news) with people helps reduce loneliness and increase happiness.

How to Deal with Loneliness: Next Steps

• Read: The Big Heart Approach to ADHD Acceptance & Self-Love
• Read: Are You Feeling Lonely?
• Read: Feeling Antisocial? Alone? Both? 3 Common ADHD Friendship Challenges
• Read: 13 Tips for Feeling Connected

Sources

¹ Lam JA, Murray ER, Yu KE, Ramsey M, Nguyen TT, Mishra J, Martis B, Thomas ML, Lee EE. Neurobiology of loneliness: a systematic review. Neuropsychopharmacology. 2021 Oct;46(11):1873-1887. doi: 10.1038/s41386-021-01058-7. Epub 2021 Jul 6. PMID: 34230607; PMCID: PMC8258736.
² Baek, E. C., Hyon, R., López, K., Du, M., Porter, M. A., & Parkinson, C. (2023). Lonely Individuals Process the World in Idiosyncratic Ways. Psychological Science, 34(6), 683-695. https://doi.org/10.1177/09567976221145316

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

If you’re a mom who is raising children with ADHD, you may have complicated feelings about Mother’s Day. You may feel unnoticed and left out on this day, as the unique challenges and joys of caring for a neurodivergent child aren’t often widely represented. A “thank you” from your little one would be wonderful, you say. Then again, you also recognize that your child may have trouble expressing their thoughts and how they really feel about you, much less planning and executing breakfast in bed.

So this one’s for the amazing moms who are always in their kiddo’s corner, no matter what. The heartfelt thanks your kid would give you if they had the words (even if they accidentally forgot about Mother’s Day)? They’re all here:

[Read: What ADHD Moms Really Want This Mother’s Day]

5 Things Your ADHD Kiddo Really Means to Tell You on Mother’s Day

1. Thank you for understanding me. “Mom, you always try to understand me, even when I’m all over the place. I know it’s not always easy, but you make me feel like I’m okay just the way I am.”

2. I appreciate how you keep me organized. “The way you help me stay organized and on track is a lifesaver. Your checklists and reminders really help me, even if I don’t always show it.”

3. I admire your calmness. “When I get overwhelmed or upset, you stay so calm. It helps me feel safe and helps me calm down, too. You have this magic way of making everything better.”

4. I’m sorry for the tough days. “I know there are days when I really test your patience, and I’m sorry. Thank you for sticking with me through the tantrums, the meltdowns, and everything else.”

[Read: “Dear Mom of a Newly Diagnosed Kid with ADHD”]

5. Thanks for believing in me, even when I don’t believe in myself. “You always believe I can do great things, even when I mess up or get distracted. Knowing that you believe in me makes me feel like I can do anything.”

They might not thank you this Mother’s Day, but someday they will — whether through their words or actions. Until then, I’m here to remind you just how much you mean.

Mother’s Day & ADHD Families: Next Steps

• Read: 10 Thoughtul Mother’s Day Gift Ideas
• Read: “To My Kids: A Love Letter from Your Scatterbrained, Unpredictable, Truly Lucky Mom”
• Read: Overwhelmed Mom Syndrome — It’s a Real Thing
• Read: What Your Child Would Tell You About ADHD If They Had the Words

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

Sometimes it can be difficult to tell when a relationship has crossed a line from supportive to controlling. Let’s examine the differences between these two types of relationships, including how they relate to ADHD.

Signs of a Supportive Relationship

In a supportive relationship, partners emphasize individual autonomy (the ability to make your own decisions) and independence, encouraging each other to pursue personal interests, goals, and friendships outside the relationship. Both partners respect each other’s space and neither seeks to dominate or control the other. When decisions are made together, they consider the needs of both partners. For example, partners may discuss treatment for ADHD together, but the ultimate decision is entrusted to the partner with ADHD.

Respect is fundamental and communication is open, honest, and non-judgmental. Partners feel comfortable expressing their thoughts, feelings, and concerns without fear. Partners strive to understand each other’s perspectives and seek mutually beneficial solutions. ADHD may be seen as an issue, but it is never “weaponized” against a partner.

Supportive relationships encourage mutual emotional growth and development. Partners encourage and celebrate each other’s achievements and milestones. Each partner actively supports the other in their personal and professional activities, including involvement in ADHD-related groups or communities.

[Is Your Relationship Toxic? Take This Self-Test to Find Out]

Signs of a Controlling Relationship

In a controlling relationship, there is often a significant power imbalance. One partner seeks to control the other, dictating decisions and actions. A partner who attempts to address a power imbalance often gets belittled or ignored. The controlling partner may also use manipulation or coercion to maintain control.

A controlling partner may isolate the other from friends, family, or other sources of support in an effort to create dependency, making that person reliant on them for validation and decision-making. A controlling partner may tell the person with ADHD that they don’t need treatment and were easier before getting help.

Trust and transparency are often lacking in controlling relationships. The controlling partner may show jealousy, monitor the other person’s activities, or demand constant reassurance. The controlled partner may need to hide aspects of their life to avoid conflict.

Controlling relationships discourage emotional growth or interests that threaten the power imbalance in the relationship. The dominant partner may actively discourage the other person from pursuing personal interests, goals, or treatment for ADHD. A controlled partner who has a healthy support system and who is receiving effective treatment is more likely to leave a controlling relationship.

[Get This Free Resource: Manage ADHD’s Impact on Your Relationship]

A supportive relationship improves the wellbeing of both partners, whereas the power imbalance in a controlling relationship is damaging. Recognizing these differences is crucial for creating healthy, fulfilling connections with others.

Controlling Relationships and ADHD: Next Steps

• Read: The Gaslighting Risk — Why Adults with ADHD Are Particularly Vulnerable to Manipulation
• Read: “How I Recognized an Abusive Relationship from the Inside”
• Read: Why Do Toxic Relationships Swallow People with ADHD?
• Listen: “Gaslighting, Love Bombing & Beyond — How to Recognize (and End) Toxic Relationships with ADHD”

Stephanie Sarkis, Ph.D., is a clinical specialist in child and adolescent counseling.

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

It’s been a year of new chapters for Jessica McCabe, the creator, writer, and star of the popular YouTube channel “How to ADHD.” In January, she published her first book, How to ADHD: An Insider’s Guide to Working with Your Brain (Not Against It) (#CommissionsEarned), which quickly became a New York Times bestseller. And in March, she became a new mom.

McCabe has been called the fairy godmother of ADHD by the iconic Ned Hallowell, M.D. “The world has been waiting for this book,” he says of her debut work.

ADDitude had a candid conversation with McCabe just weeks before she gave birth. We talked about her experience and dedication to writing her book.

The Writing of “How to ADHD”

ADDitude: Jessica, I found your book to be incredibly thorough, helpful, and empowering. You synthesized the most important research and insights on ADHD, while also living with the executive function challenges that you were writing about. How did you do it?

Jessica: It was my dream to write and finish this book. I am not somebody who finishes long-term projects. I dropped out of community college. I dropped out of massage school. I got distracted from, quit, or was fired from a ton of jobs.

[Watch ADDitude’s Webinar with Jessica McCabe: An Insider’s Guide to Working with Your ADHD Brain]

This is the first time I intentionally entered and completed a long-term project. It helped a lot that I already knew this information because I’d been learning about how my brain worked and where my challenges lay, and the strategies to support them.

ADDitude: What strategies did you use to manage this project?

Jessica: It was supposed to take me a year to write this book, but the first strategy I tried did not work at all. I asked the publisher in a meeting if I could get extra time because I knew I was going to need it. I got a lot of blank stares.

My next strategy was one of my favorites: working backward. I plugged in everything I needed to do over the course of the year. I also know that I tend to hyperfocus, so I gave myself four weeks during that year to just not work on the book or the YouTube channel, so that I wouldn’t die. I was like, “I don’t know what will happen if I hyperfocus on a project for a full year, but I’m pretty sure it’s not healthy. So let me give myself breaks.”

I also built in accountability. I told my editor, “I need you to be looking at each chapter as we go.” So I met with her regularly, and that accountability helped a lot.

I was still a few months late on the final project. But I just stayed in communication with my editor, letting her know, “I’m going to be a little bit late on this,” or “I need more time to edit that.” And she was really good about working with me and also letting me know, “We can’t give you any more extensions. We need this to be done at this point.”

There was a lot of communication, accountability, and planning ahead. I’m still in shock that it got done.

[Read: Everyday ADHD — Quirky Productivity Hacks for Easily Bored Brains]

ADDitude: You have a whole chapter on hyperfocus. Can you tell us more about the breakthroughs and exhaustion that came from this common ADHD trait?

Jessica: There’s a lot in my life that I would not have accomplished if it were not for hyperfocus. I do see it as a potential strength. But it can also be a problem because we can neglect our needs. I try to set up my environment or my time in such a way that I can slip into hyperfocus and take advantage of that really deep flow, but at the same time, put guardrails around it so that I don’t do permanent damage to myself. We know that a lot of people with ADHD end up with chronic pain and fibromyalgia [due to] neglecting our self-care, and part of that is because of hyper focus.

ADDitude: You wrote in the book that, when you started creating your How to ADHD videos, your plan was to research the condition so you could learn how to overcome your own ADHD struggles and become the person you were supposed to be. But by the end of your book, you land in a really different place. Can you tell us about that journey?

Jessica: At first, I thought, I can still have all these neurotypical goals and have this neurotypical life and have a clean house and a clean car and keep in touch with friends. I just have to do it in a way that’s ADHD-friendly. I was willing to accept that if my brain works differently, I might have to do things differently. But I wasn’t yet willing to accept the limits of using tools and strategies. No matter how many tools you have, the challenges are still there.

I still don’t have a clean car. I finally realized I need a housekeeper. I came to a place of acceptance, and it helped.

How to ADHD: Next Steps

• Free Download: Your ADHD Dopamine Menu Template
• Read: Get More Done with a Body Double
• Read: 8 Rules of Wellbeing — An Aid Kit for Women with ADHD
• Read: “I Don’t Need to Be Fixed!” Epiphanies of Self-Acceptance from Adults with ADHD
• Find: ADHD Specialists and Clinics Near You

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These are the Mother’s Day gifts that ADDitude readers really want — more than flowers, chocolates, and even jewelry. So look no further for gift ideas that moms with ADHD raising children with ADHD say would make their lives easier, make them feel appreciated, and bring a smile to their (tired) faces.

Got another gift idea? Share it in the comments.

Gifts for Mom: What Parents Really Want

“I want three days all by myself with no priorities and no piles waiting for me when I get back.” — Krysta, Canada

“All new socks for everyone in my house and someone ELSE to match them for the rest of my life. But a realistic gift… I want new markers for my coloring books.” — Tammy, New Jersey

[Read: “My Mom Has ADHD” Stories of Growing Up with an ADD Mother]

“A foot rub. A session with an interior decorator.” — Jill, Maryland

“A spa weekend with my best friend in a neurodivergent-friendly environment.” — Esther, Kentucky

“No more Rx refill hassles would be a DREAM! And yes, extra sleep and a personal chef. Also having no plans would be pretty great.” — Barbara, Texas

“I ask my kids not to buy me a tangible gift. It is just one more thing I have to clean and maintain. To make me feel special, I ask them to do an errand I am avoiding, like drop off dry cleaning or return a purchase.” — An ADDitude Reader

[Read: “Housekeeping Is Not Motherhood.”]

“A sleep-in. Coffee brought to me. Breakfast cooked for me, and an outing organized by my husband. I just want to be a passenger for the day. I don’t want to make a single decision except about what I feel like wearing.” — Jolene, Australia

“Professional housecleaning is the kind of gift I’d like. A clean house helps me feel centered and grounded. Clutter makes me anxious.” — An ADDitude Reader

“A magic wand to solve all financial problems.” — Kate, Australia

“An extra 10 hours a day to do all the things I want to do and connect with all the people who I don’t have time to stay in touch with.” — Sally, Australia

“A night out with live music and someone else doing all the driving.” — Emily, North Carolina

“A re-do button! Or a pause one.” — Amber, Wisconsin

“To find a doctor or a psychologist who will actually LISTEN TO ME. (They say children aren’t heard? Neither are mothers.)” — Winter, New Mexico

“Getting meds more easily would be nice…and having my child take them without arguing would be even nicer.” — An ADDitude Reader

“A live-in massage therapist.” — Brenda, Massachusetts

“Someone to clean the bathrooms for a year.” — Anne, Australia

“Someone to take all the responsibility away from me for a day. To have dinner made, the kitchen cleaned, the laundry folded, etc.” — Marla, New Jersey

“As a mom, I would love an hour of extra sleep sometimes! (Well, maybe most of the time.) But I am just thankful and love the support I get from my family. They truly help me keep going every single day. My partner supports me in every aspect and for that, I am so blessed.” —  Glady, Oregon

Gifts for Mom: Next Steps

• Shop: 10 Books Every Woman Should Read After Her ADHD Diagnosis
• Read: The Bumbling Dad Trope, Reversed — On Motherhood with ADHD
• Read: A Tribute to My Mom, an ADHD Trailblazer
• Read: To My Kids — A Love Letter from Your Scatterbrained, Unpredictable, Truly Lucky Mom

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.