In fourth grade, my favorite teacher led an activity where we had to describe to our peers how to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich as if they were aliens who had never heard of such a food. As bright fourth graders, we started by telling the other group to “put the peanut butter on the bread.” As you can imagine, the instruction was so vague that my peers, who were only following directions, placed the entire peanut butter jar on top of the bread, which was not our intention. “Working and communicating together in groups can be challenging,” my teacher told me. “Did you learn anything from this?”

Working in groups – and socializing in general – can be especially challenging for kids with ADHD. ADHD is not so much about knowledge-based deficits as it is about performance-based challenges. A lot of us know how to socialize and we understand what’s right and wrong, but we struggle when we need to display our social skills. That’s why it’s so important to practice skills in real time, and why it’s even more important for parents to support and replicate skill-building at home.

The following are three social skills activities I have found help children with ADHD because they can be practiced in a social-skills groups with same-aged peers AND outside of the office with the support of parents:

“LEGO My Creation”

The first strategy, derived from an activity book by Jennifer Cook O’Toole, is written for parents, clinicians, and educators of autistic children. Given the overlap between autism and ADHD, this resource may be helpful more broadly.

[Get This Free Download: A Friendship Guide for Kids with ADHD]

The goal behind this communication activity resembles that of my PB&J fourth grade bit. During the activity, children sit back-to-back and each pair is given identical LEGO pieces. In each pair, Child #1 creates a structure with the pieces while Child #2, still turned the other way, waits. Then, Child #1, who built the structure, practices clearly and patiently communicating what they created to Child #2, who is blind to what Child #1 created. Child #2 has to try to build a replica using only Child #1’s verbal description. Both partners can only see and compare structures at the end of the activity. Before the activity, clinicians and/or parents should discuss helpful tips for easier communication, and children should also be coached and given direct feedback during the activity.

I like this activity because, even if it turns out to be very difficult for the pair, it will likely serve to increase awareness of situations in which children may be misunderstood and need to explain things more clearly. Other versions of this same activity, like drawing, can help with clarifying thoughts and with communicating more effectively.

Two tips I’ve learned in my practice with neurodivergent youth: Make sure the LEGO pieces are large and simplify the task for them as much as you can. The goal is to teach them something, but also to make the task attainable and fun, so if the structure is too difficult to describe, that may suck the fun out of the activity and make the game unnecessarily stressful.

Spin the Confidence Wheel

Many of the neurodivergent pre-teens and teens with whom I work say they want to increase their confidence in social situations. Enter the Confidence Wheel, an activity I derived from my exposure therapy work with anxious youth. Each slice of the wheel is filled in with a unique social anxiety exposure or situation based on the child’s specific triggers. When the wheel stops, the child has to engage in the social anxiety exposure indicated. (For so much of anxiety, the only way out is through.) After discussing the rationale behind this activity and receiving some core coping skills, the child engages in the social anxiety exposure with the support of their social skills group and clinician; they can also practice outside of the office with parental support.

[Read: 5 Ways to Reframe Anxiety for Your Worried Teen]

I like this one because it is applied – it pushes the child to actually DO something rather than just discuss a skill, and it can be practiced with parents’ support. After all, it will be difficult to engage in real-life social skills practice if anxiety is holding them back.

Winging it with Improv

Improvisation has so many social skills built into it — changing and adapting personas based on context, getting used to quick cognitive shifts, following what others are saying, staying on topic – that can help neurodivergent youth rehearse in a funny and supportive environment.

Improv classes, programs, clubs, and camps are everywhere – another benefit of this activity. As individuals with ADHD, we need humor and movement to stay sane, and improv provides both. Here’s a display of one improv activity I’ve seen work well with neurodivergent preteens and teens: LiveKellyandMark.

In each of these activities, we encourage adolescents to interact with others in real time while facing their social fears in fun, supportive environments. These exercises and contexts teach them to love themselves for who they are while opening their minds to new strategies for becoming the best versions of themselves.

Social Skills Activities: Next Steps

• Read: Social Smarts — The Teen Years
• Read: Building (Real) Friendships in the Age of Social Media
• Watch: The Social Reboot – Helping Tween and Teen Boys with ADHD Make Friends

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Children and teens with ADHD are most likely to be bullied at school than their neurotypical peers. Why? ADHD symptoms and behaviors like impulsivity, trouble detecting social cues, low self-esteem, and executive function deficits make them easy targets.

What you might not know is that bullying and abuse can physically harm a child’s brain architecture and function. The neurological scars are visible on brain scans.

What’s empowering and inspiring is that all brains benefit from neuroplasticity, which means they are shaped by environment and by practice. Learn about the strategies that can help your child with or without ADHD better cope with and respond to bullies. The more parents, teachers, and coaches understand about how brains may suffer from bullying and abusive conduct, the better equipped they will be to prevent, protect, and respond to these harmful acts.

In this webinar, you will learn about:

• The ADHD symptoms and behaviors that may make children with the condition a target
• The different forms of bullying, and the harmful physical impact that each may have on a child’s brain structure and function
• Strategies and practices to repair the neurological scars from bullying and abuse
• Practical and actionable interventions for strengthening the brain and restoring holistic health

Have a question for our expert? There will be an opportunity to post questions for the presenter during the live webinar.

Meet the Expert Speaker

Jennifer Fraser, Ph.D., is an award-winning teacher of 20 years and the author of four books. Her latest book, The Bullied Brain: Heal Your Scars and Restore Your Health, tackles all forms of bullying and abuse to examine how they impact the brain. (#CommissionsEarned) She also writes a regular series for Psychology Today called “Bullied Brain,” which explains the important but little-known research into just how much bullying and abuse can physically hurt brain structure and function.

#CommissionsEarned As an Amazon Associate, ADDitude earns a commission from qualifying purchases made by ADDitude readers on the affiliate links we share. However, all products linked in the ADDitude Store have been independently selected by our editors and/or recommended by our readers. Prices are accurate and items in stock as of time of publication.

Bullying, Trauma, and ADHD: More Resources

• Download: Secrets of the ADHD Brain
• Get: The ADHD Guide to Making & Keeping Friends
• Read: 13 Trauma-Informed Teaching Strategies for Educators Today
• Read: How to Protect Your Child From Cyberbullying

Certificate of Attendance: For information on how to purchase the certificate of attendance option (cost $10), register for the webinar, then look for instructions in the email you’ll receive one hour after it ends. The certificate of attendance link will also be available here, on the webinar replay page, several hours after the live webinar. ADDitude does not offer CEU credits.

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And if ADHD runs in that family, the jam is not only juggling family life, health, and career, but also managing executive dysfunction, emotional dysregulation, and the complicated needs of other neurodivergent family members — diagnosed and otherwise. As “sandwiched” ADDitude readers tell us, this complex time of life is full of strain and overwhelm.

“The stress of being a mom to neurodivergent children, an employee, and a wife on top of caring for my mother seems absolutely unbearable at times. I don’t understand how others manage it all.”

“I am feeling overwhelmed with my role as a parent of an ADHD child while seeing changes in my own parents as they age.”

“My own ADHD is making it exponentially more difficult to assist my 90-year-old parents, both of whom I suspect have ADHD, as well as my three grandchildren, all diagnosed with ADHD.”

No matter the composition of your family’s sandwich, use the following strategies to reduce stress and practice self-compassion while you pull double or triple caregiving duty.

[Download This Free Parenting Guide for Caregivers with ADHD]

Sandwich Generation Strategies for ADHD Adults

1. Set boundaries.

Boundaries are tricky because they’re tangled up with cultural, personal, gender, and familial expectations. You may feel immense pressure to make others happy, even at the expense of your own happiness. Rejection sensitive dysphoria and perfectionism may amplify feelings of failure as you try to do it all. As uncomfortable as it may feel, setting boundaries is a skill you must learn and practice to prevent burnout and improve your wellbeing.

• It doesn’t have to be a hard “no.” Find alternative ways to politely decline or adjust a situation. Say, “Let me sleep on it and get back to you,” “Mom, I have to call you back after I have dinner,” “Can I take a rain check?” or “That sounds wonderful, but unfortunately, I won’t be able to help this time.” Practice declining offers in a low-pressure environment, like at a store when the cashier tries to upsell you.
• Be firm where you can be. Mute your phone or disable certain notifications. Question whether something really needs your attention now. If you work from home, consider creating color-coded signage that communicates your level of availability. Have conversations when needed about hot spots. For example, if you experience stress when your parents show up unannounced, talk to them about calling ahead or dropping by only on certain days of the week.
• Guilt will come up, but it doesn’t mean that you’re doing something wrong. You’re simply in unfamiliar territory. Be kind to yourself and know that you can feel the guilt and still choose to protect your boundaries.

 2. Know your hot spots.

Not all sandwiched caregivers feel the same squeeze. Identify your personal hot spots, such as interruptions, noise, clutter, food prep, emotional reactions, and/or transitions. Name your most nagging daily challenges — the ones that send ADHD symptoms into overdrive — and brainstorm steps to manage them.

For example, if grumpiness at the end of your workday clouds your evening mood, take 10 full, uninterrupted minutes to do a breathing exercise or a relaxing activity when your workday ends. Self-awareness alone can help mute your inner critic as you try to juggle it all.

[Read: How I Calm Down My ADHD Brain — 14 Quick De-Stressors]

Work with family members to identify and address their hot spots, too. For example, ask your teen to spend five minutes organizing a small section of their room when energy supply is high, not at the end of the day when ADHD medication has worn off.

3. Carve out time to do what helps you feel regulated.

Get serious about scheduling self-care time in your calendar. Self-care is anything that helps you feel calm and gathered, like non-negotiable buffer time between tasks and activities, a morning walk, a hearty breakfast, talking to a friend, reading or listening to an audiobook for 15 minutes, and even taking the time to make your bed (especially if clutter overwhelms you).

4. Don’t rush to problem-solve or cheerlead.

Validation — simply listening to and acknowledging how you or a family member else is feeling — usually lowers the volume on big emotions in ADHD households. Your child may feel devastated that they flunked their math test, but rather than rush to cheerlead (“Oh, I know you’ll do better next time!”) or suggest solutions like tutoring, start by saying something like, “I hear that you’re feeling disappointed right now, right? It totally makes sense that you feel this way because you studied so hard.”

 5. Use all available supports to lessen the burden.

Support comes in many forms, like asking a friend or family member to body double or help with a particular area of caregiving, leaning on a community program for adult or afterschool care, or using paid services like subscription meal kits, cleaning services, or a virtual assistant if financially feasible. As you decide which resources to utilize, remember that your time and energy are resources, too. Also, when you accept someone’s help, understand that they may not do it your way — and that’s fine.

6. What would you say to a friend?

Dual caregiving while managing your own life (and ADHD symptoms) is objectively difficult. Like other sandwiched adults, you likely aren’t giving yourself enough credit for juggling all that you do.  You may over-identify with mistakes, fixate on what you haven’t done, and think that you’re failing. You may feel as though things only get done when you beat yourself up.

When your inner critic pipes up, take a moment to practice self-compassion by asking yourself, “What would I say to a friend going through this?” Chances are that you’d never judge a friend the way that you judge yourself. Keep this question on a sticky note and place it on your mirror as a daily reminder. Remember that it’s possible to be compassionate and productive simultaneously.

7. Accept what you cannot change.

No, you did not ask to be in the middle of a complex, neurodivergent sandwich. But here you are. To guard your wellbeing, follow this credo: accept what you can’t change, change what you can, and know the difference.

You may not recognize your habit of claiming responsibility for things well outside of your control. You may feel it’s your duty to make your stubborn parents believe that ADHD exists and that it runs in your family — a common complaint I hear among sandwiched adults in neurodivergent families. Conversation after conversation, article after article, your parents may still choose to deny that your child has ADHD, that you have ADHD, or that they themselves exhibit symptoms. This is distressing, but remember that you’re doing your best and that accepting your current reality doesn’t mean that you’re siding with your parents or giving up.

When you focus on where you can make a difference and what you can relinquish, it will be much easier to disengage from energy siphons and find reasonable solutions for all the ingredients in your sandwich.

Sandwich Generation and ADHD: Next Steps

• Free Guide: ADHD in Older Adults
• Self-Test: 10 Questions to Reveal Parental Burnout
• Read: When ADHD (Literally) Runs in the Family
• Read: 12 Ways to Build Strong ADHD Families

You Are Not Alone: Additional Resources

• AARP Family Caregiving
• CDC – For Caregivers, Family, and Friends
• Family Caregiver Alliance
• Working Parent Burnout Webinar (from The Ohio State University)
• ADDitude – ADHD Support Group for Parents
• ADDitude – ADHD Support Group for Adults
• CHADD – Find a local ADHD support group

The content for this article was derived from the ADDitude ADHD Experts webinar titled, “Squeezed in the Sandwich Generation: How to Manage ADHD in Yourself, Your Children, and Your Elderly Parents” [Video Replay & Podcast #490] with Danna McDonald, RMFT-SQ, RSW, which was broadcast on February 8, 2024.

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Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

Many boys with ADHD struggle to cultivate and sustain in-person friendships. What is often referred to as “difficulty reading social cues” is the result of lagging social executive function skills, the set of tools we use when sharing space with others. Many boys feel ashamed of their social struggles and retreat into a virtual world of gaming that often intensifies feelings of social isolation from peers at school and in the community.

While many boys seem content to socialize through gaming and other forms of online communication, it doesn’t create the close connection made when boys spend time together and in person. In fact, research findings report higher rates of loneliness and depression among tween and teen boys today than in the past.

In this webinar, evidence-based strategies will be explained to help tween and teen boys build the social executive function skills needed to connect with peers and develop real-life friendships.

In this webinar, caregivers will learn:

• How lagging social executive function skills and social anxiety present in tween and teen boys with ADHD
• How educators can work with caregivers to help tween and teen boys struggling with social disconnectedness
• How to support boys who are resistant to help and those who solely socialize through video games

Watch the Video Replay

Enter your email address in the box above labeled “Video Replay + Slide Access” to watch the video replay (closed captions available) and download the slide presentation.

Social Skills in Boys with ADHD: More Resources

• Get: The ADHD Guide to Making & Keeping Friends
  
• Replay: Raising Socially Smart Tweens & Teens with Ryan Wexelblatt
• Read: Understanding the Role of Anxiety in Children with ADHD
• Q&A: “My Teen Wants ‘Cool Kid’ Friends, or None at All”

Obtain a Certificate of Attendance

If you attended the live webinar on May 28, 2024, watched the video replay, or listened to the podcast, you may purchase a certificate of attendance option (cost: $10). Note: ADDitude does not offer CEU credits. Click here to purchase the certificate of attendance option »

Meet the Expert Speaker

Ryan Wexelblatt, LCSW, ADHD-CCSP, is the founder of ADHD Dude.  A licensed clinical social worker, former school social worker, and father to a son with ADHD and learning differences, Ryan has begun to focus on supporting families of socially disconnected boys and young men through his new social media channel, The Social Reboot. ADHD Dude provides parent training for parents and guardians of kids with ADHD and in-person school year programs and summer camps. ADHD Dude is based in Arizona.

Webinar Sponsor

The sponsor of this ADDitude webinar is…

Brain Balance helps kids, teens and adults with ADHD, learning differences, anxiety & more through our integrative cognitive development and brain wellness program. Our approach combines cognitive, physical and sensory training with nutritional guidance to strengthen and build brain connectivity without the use of medication. Stronger connections translate to improved attention, behaviors, and social-emotional well-being.| brainbalancecenters.com/additudemag

ADDitude thanks our sponsors for supporting our webinars. Sponsorship has no influence on speaker selection or webinar content.

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In 2014, I experienced a heartbreaking loss when my dear friend, Erin, essentially a sister to me, tragically took her own life at age 17. Erin was a remarkable individual filled with spunk, love, and empathy. Despite her supportive family, try-anything attitude, and impressive musical and culinary talents (her pasta dishes were truly legendary!), Erin struggled with social challenges and making friends. She was often excluded from weekend plans and parties, and she lacked a peer confidante to share her joys and passions. The complexities of social interaction, so effortless to neurotypical individuals, were often a puzzle for Erin — a reality she lived daily and felt deeply.

Making Friends with Autism Spectrum Disorder

Out of the tragedy of her death emerged Erin’s Hope for Friends, a non-profit organization dedicated to fostering friendships among individuals with ASD. At Erin’s Hope for Friends, we believe in the profound impact of genuine connections. True friends accept you for who you are, quirks and all, providing a sanctuary free from judgment. Finding friends who embrace each individual’s differences can be transformative, instilling a sense of belonging and confidence.

[Self-Test: Is My Child Autistic?]

Erin’s Hope for Friends offers dynamic social programs known as e’s Clubs virtually and in Atlanta, Georgia, and Lexington, Kentucky. These clubs provide a welcoming, safe space for autistic teens and young adults (ages 12 to 24) to connect and engage in various activities tailored to their interests. From Foosball to karaoke to crafts to video games, e’s Clubs offer diverse activities to foster interaction and camaraderie. If you visit a club, it only takes a very short period to witness the joy they create. Currently serving more than 500 members annually, our clubs continue to grow and thrive.

The potential for Erin’s Hope for Friends and e’s Clubs — and other groups like it —  is limitless. By expanding our reach nationwide, we aim to significantly impact the autistic community by challenging stereotypes, promoting neurodiversity acceptance, and ultimately creating a space for our members to make life-changing connections.

If you’re passionate about supporting individuals with autism in their quest for friendship and acceptance, I encourage you to check out Erin’s Hope for Friends or another similar organization. Together, we can celebrate abilities, challenge societal norms, and empower individuals to navigate the landscape of friendship with confidence and joy. After all, it just takes one good friend to change the course of a life.

Autism in the Workplace: Next Steps

• Download: Free Resource: Autism Evaluation Checklist
• Watch:  An Open Conversation with Temple Grandin – Autism Expert, Author, and Scientist
• Read: Autism and ADHD: The Complete Playbook for Social Challenges
• Blog: “I Grew Up Gifted and Autistic — and Suffered the Burnout of Twice Exceptionality”

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Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

In our excitement playing cards, we got too noisy and woke up the toddler. There was laughter and arguing. There was winning and losing.

I’d like to say my son, Ocean, was a gracious winner. I’d also like to say that I’m never a sore loser. Regardless, I was elated that we were playing – win or lose. I never thought my kid would land on card games as a special interest. And I know it won’t last, so I’m savoring these precious moments with extra gratitude.

Special Interests: My Son’s Rotating Fascinations

Ocean has autism and ADHD. Rather than sticking to one deep and abiding interest or bouncing around several interests at once (like me), he cycles through a different obsession every few months. There are some that repeat, like soccer, BEYBLADES, and various video games. I’m always happy when Pokémon comes up in the rotation.

My husband and I have always joined him in his interests, even when (as a baby) he just wanted to stare at the spinning ceiling fan. I’ll admit I didn’t enjoy spinning wheels on baby strollers when that was his fixation, and his interest in other peoples’ soccer balls didn’t make us popular at the playground. (On the other hand, soccer balls do have really cool designs, especially the Jabulani and Brazuca. Do you know how hard it is to find an original Jabulani? Can you guess how many hours I spent bidding on eBay?) While I didn’t love subway trips to a busy intersection to watch the pedestrian traffic light count down, he’s now traveling alone on public transportation – something I never imagined then.

When my son finds a new special interest, it feels a bit like opening a Christmas gift. I have no idea what it will be, but I know it will surprise me… and that it will get old eventually.

[Read: Autism vs. ADHD — A Parent’s Guide to Tricky Diagnoses]

I’ve observed the pattern. He learns all the planets and moves on to galaxies. He maps the states, then the world… But his fixation doesn’t hold; eventually, he gets restless. He spends a few weeks absentmindedly dabbling until something grabs his attention again. I have no influence on his infatuations, or how long he will stay interested in each one. I’ve tried. It backfires. I don’t think he has much say in what grabs him either.

The one time I successfully held the line was when hot peppers became his interest. When his own pediatrician told us that eating too many of them raw could cause internal damage, my own gut wrenched and I felt like the worst parent ever. Nope. No more. I told him, “You can talk about Scoville heat units, you can draw and categorize and research peppers to your heart’s delight, but no more raw spicy pepper eating challenges under my roof!” I value autonomy, but I value his health more. It wasn’t easy, but we moved on, with his stomach lining intact.

Was Celebrating My Son’s Special Interests Wrong?

Ocean was first flagged for early intervention at 13 months. He wasn’t crawling on all fours or showing any signs of walking.

It would be a while before I put all the pieces together: developmental delays, social differences, special interests, sensory avoidance, and difficulty regulating emotions. Still, we hadn’t considered autism. I even brushed off an evaluator who casually mentioned “red flags for autism” when Ocean lined up a set of toy cars instead of playing with them as expected.

[Read: Is My Child with ADHD on the Autism Spectrum?]

Then he went to preschool, where was expected to do things that were not his absolute favorite. The stimulation was a lot for him. He was having multiple meltdowns a day and struggled mightily with transitions. Even with the support of a 1-to-1 special education teacher, he barely endured the year.

At a new special-education school, his teacher asked for reward ideas that could motivate him. When I told her how much he liked letters and numbers, she was dismissive. “But that’s just stimming,” she said. I was speechless.

My confidence eroded. I started to think that all our celebrating of Ocean’s fascinations had been wrong. I wondered if I should have steered him away from the things that gave him comfort and joy. But I couldn’t. I loved to see the spark in him when he engaged with his true loves.

That year was damaging for both of us, and with perspective I am glad to have learned this lesson: Just because someone has a degree, doesn’t mean they are an expert – and they certainly aren’t an expert in your child.

Celebrating My Son’s Special Interests – and Strengths

We moved on to a more enlightened and neurodiversity-affirming elementary school, and my education in celebrating neurodiversity began. Those teachers and therapists brought Ocean’s interests into everything. They encouraged his strengths and nudged him along in his challenges. They partnered with us parents, and it felt like almost every professional truly cared about my son. He thrived.

Still, being neurodivergent in an ableist world is hard, and we leaned on supports as we overcame one struggle after another.

He’s moving on to high school next year, and I want to share a reflection with parents of younger neurodivergent kids: The problems fade with time, especially when you focus on encouraging their strengths. The glimmers of joy are what I recall, like snapshots.

When Ocean wasn’t meeting developmental milestones and was having multiple meltdowns a day, I never could have imagined this scene: my siblings, nieces, parents, all playing a card game that Ocean had organized and taught them, and all having a blast!

I can’t think of anyone with whom I’d rather stare at the fan, draw soccer balls, line up numbers, or play cards.

Special Interests, Autism, and ADHD: Next Steps

• Take this Self-Test: Is My Child Autistic? Signs of Autism Spectrum Disorder
• Free Download: Bonding Activity Ideas for ADHD Families
• Read: What Does Autism Spectrum Disorder Look Like in Children?
• Read: Autism and ADHD – the Complete Playbook for Social Challenges

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

You may fear possible judgments and others’ assumptions about your child or yourself. You may feel anxious, ashamed, or uncertain of who to tell or where to go for support. You may wonder if sharing the ADHD diagnosis will make your child feel badly about themselves. Or maybe it’s the opposite — you wonder if choosing to keep quiet will make your child feel like something is wrong with them.

ADHD Diagnosis: Secrecy vs. Privacy

Let’s start untangling this web of uncertainty by differentiating secrecy and privacy.

Secrecy is an intentional act of restraining or hiding information, typically because it is believed that the information is problematic and will have negative consequences out in the open. Secrecy is associated with shame. While privacy is also intentional, it is associated with empowerment, not shame. Privacy is a choice and a right. It connotes respect in that it allows one to know themselves, to have information about who they are, and then to decide with whom to share that information. For this reason, you want to disclose and discuss ADHD within the framework of your child and family’s right to privacy, while rejecting the idea of secrecy or shame.

[Read: Explaining ADHD to Your Child]

Is It Necessary? Is It Kind?

You should never keep your child’s ADHD from them. How you discuss the condition with your child will depend on their age, comprehension skills, and other factors, but the point is to speak openly about their unique brain and why they have certain challenges.

It gets trickier when deciding who to tell outside of immediate family and whether you or your child gets to make that decision. If your child is too young to consent to their diagnosis being shared, my suggestion is to think about two of Rumi’s three gates of speech before you speak: Is it necessary? Is it kind?

• Would sharing the diagnosis and explaining your child’s behaviors or needs help the person better understand your child?
• Would sharing the diagnosis help others be more successful in their interactions or relationship with your child?
• Would sharing the diagnosis open possibilities for more support without harming your relationship with your child now or in the future?
• If it is necessary to share this information, how can you convey your child’s struggles with kindness and respect?  Can you include your child or teen in any way in this communication?

Prior to sharing your child’s diagnosis with someone, consider the person’s character and previous behaviors. Have you witnessed them be judgmental toward others? Do they appear to use shame as a tool or a weapon? Do they gossip frequently? Do they show an unwillingness to learn or revise their thinking in light of new information?  If it’s yes to all, move on; you won’t find support and acceptance from them.

[Read: It Takes A Village — Help Other People Understand ADHD]

If you decide to share your child’s diagnosis, you should still respect your child’s privacy by directly asking the individual for discretion. Share whether you have received consent from your child or if this disclosure is your own decision. Engage in private, respectful conversation in appropriate places, not at the bus stop and other public places. Speak about ADHD in a neurodiversity-affirming manner.

Online support groups can be great places to find community, acceptance, and like-minded people. Be cautious about sharing your child’s diagnosis or struggles in ways that can make them easily identified.

As your child grows older, ask them to consider the same questions and points above to help them decide who to talk to about their ADHD. Of course, if your child decides that they do not want you to share their diagnosis with someone, you must also respect your child’s right to privacy, even if you disagree with their reasoning.

Explaining ADHD to Others: Next Steps

• Free Download:  13-Step Guide to Raising a Child with ADHD
• Read: Your Brain Is a Ferrari
• Read: Who Do You Tell About Your Child’s ADHD?

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

Many parents today are raising their children differently than they themselves were raised. In a recent ADDitude poll, about 70% of respondents said they were using a “very different” or “somewhat different” parenting style from the one their parents used with them.

The generational divide is deepened by our evolving understanding of neurodivergence — brain-based differences that affect how someone behaves, thinks, and learns. ADHD, autism, learning differences, and other conditions that tend to be identified in childhood all fall under the umbrella of neurodivergence. Many of these now-commonplace diagnoses were not always recognized and effectively treated in prior generations.

Neurodivergence: Then and Now

Like parenting, societal views of differently wired individuals have also changed significantly. Historically, people whose brains work differently were not celebrated for their neurodivergence; instead, educators and caregivers focused solely on remediating their apparent deficits. Today, we know that our families and communities are made richer by our individual differences. And we understand that leveraging strengths — while also providing constructive support — is critical for neurodivergent children.

Today, we know a lot more about the science of various brain-based conditions. We know that these conditions are not characterological, meaning an aspect of one’s personality, or caused by “bad” parenting. Advocacy from organizations and individuals has helped reduce stigma around neurodivergence and encouraged more schools and institutions to adopt diversity, equity, and inclusion initiatives. Meanwhile, technological advances — like autocorrect or text-to-speech capabilities — have helped reduce the strain of day-to-day functioning for neurodivergent individuals, who can sometimes feel like a square peg in a round hole. And we can’t overlook the role of social media, which has allowed many neurodivergent people and their families to find community and belonging.

[Get This Free ADHD Parenting Guide — Strategies for Kids, Tweens & Teens]

The Best Parenting Style for Your Neurodivergent Child

Parenting styles of the past emphasized obedience through harsh discipline and strict enforcement of the rules. This style of parenting is generally known as authoritarian parenting and its techniques, we now know, can cause distress and are linked to maladaptive behaviors. Children, especially neurodivergent children, do not respond well to this form of parenting.

On the other hand, permissive parenting, characterized by high levels of warmth and little to no limit setting, isn’t what our children need either, as this can also lead to negative outcomes. The parenting style with the greatest benefit is in the middle; authoritative parenting combines warmth and limit setting. It’s a dynamic that fosters the parent-child relationship while also providing children with the structure they need for positive development.

From establishing routines to reinforcing positive behaviors and providing appropriate consequences for misbehavior, authoritative parenting offers various strategies to meet your child’s unique needs. Use this parenting guide to look up the most effective strategies for neurodivergent children. You may need to apply these strategies more frequently, over longer periods, and with the help of a mental health professional to best meet your child’s needs.

Neurodivergent Parents of Neurodivergent Children: You’re Doing an Excellent Job

As an adult who was only recently diagnosed with ADHD, how can I help my child when they’re emotional and overstimulated if I also feel the same way?

How do I get my child to follow a regular routine when I myself have ADHD and cannot follow a regular routine?

How do we implement these parenting strategies when they are so unfamiliar to us? It feels incredibly overwhelming when we have ADHD that was never properly addressed in our own childhoods.

[Read: “The Best Neurodivergent Parenting Tips I’ve Ever Received Are…”]

I don’t need to tell you that parenting is hard, especially if you are a neurodivergent parent raising a neurodivergent child and using different approaches than your parents used on you. As a psychologist who helps parents manage ADHD in their children, please hear me when I say that you are not alone, and that you are doing a wonderful job. Acknowledge the progress that you’ve made and are making. Set small goals for yourself and celebrate the small wins. Build and rely upon your support network and take care of yourself — one of the most important behaviors you can model for your child.

Parenting Styles: Next Steps

• Sign Up: Behavioral and Emotional Skills Training from the Child Mind Institute
• Join: ADDitude’s ADHD Support Group for Parents
• Read: Brick Wall, Jellyfish, or Backbone — What Type of Parent Are You?
• Learn: Moms and Dads — Lets Turn All Those Can’ts Into Can-Dos

Additional Resources

• Taking Charge of ADHD: The Complete, Authoritative Guide for Parents by Russell A. Barkley, Ph.D.
• Your Defiant Teen: 10 Steps to Resolve Conflict and Rebuild Your Relationship by Russell A. Barkley, Ph.D., Arthur L. Robin, Ph.D., and Christine M. Benton
• The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child by Alan E. Kazdin, Ph.D
• The Everyday Parenting Toolkit: The Kazdin Method for Easy, Step-by-Step, Lasting Change for You and Your Child by Alan E. Kazdin, Ph.D.

The content for this article was derived from the ADDitude webinar titled, “Parenting Styles That Work for Neurodivergent Children” [Video Replay & Podcast #481] with Caroline Mendel, PsyD, which was broadcast on November 29, 2023.

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Ask your questions to Dr. Sharon Saline and connect with other ADDitude community members.

Loneliness in Children: More Resources

• The Social Executive Function Skills That Elude Kids with ADHD
• Help for Socially Immature Kids with ADHD
• Download: Free Friendship Guide for Kids with ADHD

I just want to validate how hard this is and the importance of advocating for your student by moving him to a different school and trying to set him up for success.

Sometimes, smaller-group social interaction, even with one or two other peers who have similar interests, is better than trying to jump into a larger group or sports team. So, if your student likes basketball and he meets another student who likes the sport, your son might invite them to shoot hoops after school. You also might want to think about less competitive activities, like musical performances, that encourage positive peer interactions.

It gets more complicated in high school. Teachers typically don’t recognize shared interests among students like elementary school teachers do, but after-school clubs and activities can help your child identify and interact with like-minded peers in a safe space. Sometimes, once they gain confidence from a successful club or online interaction, a teen can move on to a one-on-one friendship.

Bullying Risk Factors

School bullying remains a serious problem in U.S. schools, particularly for students with ADHD, autism, learning differences, and other comorbidities. In an ADDitude survey, 61% of more than 1,000 caregivers said their neurodivergent child was bullied at school.

[Free Guide: Help Your Child Make Friends]

Children are at greater risk of becoming a bully, or being bullied, if they have:

• ADHD, anxiety, and/or autism
• Poor inhibition
• Developmental delays
• Difficulty making friends
• Poor self-regulation

In an ADDitude survey, 61% of more than 1,000 caregivers said their neurodivergent child was bullied at school. Children were bullied beyond school in the following environments:

• Social media 32%
• School bus 30%
• Text messages 27%
• Club/sports team 19%

Bullying was perpetrated by:

• Child’s classmate 66%
• Multiple students 49%
• A friend 29%
• A teacher, school staff member, or coach 26%

While bullies target neurodivergent children, few are punished at school, ADDitude readers say.

“The school always blamed my child for causing issues,” says one reader. “His peers knew how to wind my son up, and then he would get the blame. He had no control over his emotions.”

Says another reader, “Once a teacher starts to bully a child, it becomes open season for peer social abuse and torment.”

Most survey respondents (71%) were unsatisfied with the school’s response to bullying, which included:

• Never acknowledged the bullying 37%
• Gave a verbal warning to the bully 30%
• Spoke to the child about being bullied 28%
• Punished the child who was bullied 15%
• Disciplined the bully 12%
• Provided support services for the child 9%

“I work with my child to resolve the conflict himself first, and then if the bullying continues, we involve the school,” says a reader.

[Free eBook: Time to Change? Great Schools for ADHD Kids]

Q2: “My teen won’t open up to me about what’s happening at school. I know there has been drama with her friends. How can I help her when she refuses to talk?”

Let your teen come to you when she’s ready; don’t force it. That dreaded question, “How was your day at school?” is not a good way to encourage openness. Try to find times when talking happens naturally, like during car rides or while making dinner. Open those conversations by asking, “What are you looking forward to today?” or “Is there anything that you’re worried about today?”

Over time, when she does come to you with problems, make sure that you’re providing supportive responses and not trying to just jump in and fix things. Sometimes, teens just want to be heard and validated. You might say, “What do you need right now? Do you just want me to listen? Do you want me to help you solve this? Do you just want to vent?” Being able to meet her where she’s at, in that moment, is key.

School Bullying and Social Anxiety: Next Steps

• Read: Bullying Is the Norm. So Is an Inadequate Response.
• Read: Will My Child Find a Best Friend This School Year?
• Download: Free Guide: Social Anxiety Facts and Falsehoods
• Watch: “My Child Is Being Bullied at School!” Strategies for Parents

Rosanna Breaux, Ph.D., is a licensed clinical psychologist, director of the Virginia Tech Child Study Center, and assistant professor of psychology.

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But this smooth, coordinated ideal is difficult to achieve when co-parenting children with ADHD after divorce.

Co-Parenting Challenges: Separate Homes, Different Rules

We know that children with ADHD have executive functioning challenges. Divorce may heighten those struggles largely because the prefrontal cortex, the command center for executive functioning, is now also trying to manage frequent transitions amid a changing family dynamic.

Transitioning between home, school, and another home brings changes in routine and possible parental conflict. Witnessing family strife can lead to behavior regression, a loss of previously developed skills, increased defiance and lying, and arguing as a means of communication because that is what has been modeled for children.

It’s possible that a child’s ADHD may be ignored or managed poorly in one home. Each parent might have their own schedule, with their own set of rules, and this can lead to academic challenges, lost items, and a generally chaotic life for the child. This can also exacerbate ADHD symptoms.

[Read: The ADHD Co-Parenting Guide to Consistent Treatment]

With a co-parenting plan in place, you can provide your child with the support and structure they need to ease into a new routine.

Co-Parenting a Child with ADHD: How to Make It Work

1. Follow similar schedules to stay consistent across two homes. For example, when your child comes home from school, it’s snack time and some downtime, then homework, then TV. Bedtime is at the same time in both homes. Likewise, both houses have the same rules and the same reward systems.

2. Think twice about mid-week transitions. In a neurotypical divorce, we recommend that younger children have more frequent contact with both parents. For example, Parent A has Monday and Tuesday, and drops off the child at school Wednesday morning. Parent B picks up the child Wednesday afternoon and has the child Thursday and Friday, and they alternate weekends. When the child reaches middle school and beyond, we tend to recommend a week-on, week-off schedule. Children at that age can go for longer stretches of time without seeing the other parent because they’ve already formed the essential bonds and attachments.

In a neurodivergent situation, that midweek transition might be a nightmare. It might not be ideal for a third- or fourth-grader to go to another home every Wednesday — for all the reasons you can imagine. Your child has to remember what to bring from home to school and back to another home. Homework projects get lost. Other things get lost. There’s a lot of shuffling.

[Read: How to Smooth the Time & Space Between Daily Activities]

If your child’s ADHD symptoms are worsening, or you see regression or increased defiance for a period of six months, you might suggest to the other parent, “Until our child is a bit older, midweek transitions might not be beneficial. We might need our child to be in one home for the school week with frequent access to the other parent.” So, maybe dinners twice a week with the other parent would work.

3. Establish rituals to ease transitions, especially for younger children. For example, your child knows that when Parent A picks them up, it’s going to be a kiss on the cheek and a hug. Parent A sings the same song, reads the same book, or goes for ice cream at the same place. Whatever the routine, the child can always count on it. Parent B can have their own ritual, but the child will find it comforting if the routine is dependable.

4. Use shared calendars. Having a visual representation of a calendar in your home with pictures of Parent A’s house and Parent B’s house on colored stickies helps your child visualize the structure of the week. This can also help to quell anxiety around, “Where am I going? What am I doing? When am I going there?”

5. Decide whether your child’s medications travel back and forth with them, or whether there should be medications available in both homes. The last thing you want is for your child to be without their medication.

6. When communicating with doctors, teachers, and therapists, always copy the co-parent in emails or let them know about conversations and outcomes. An informed co-parent is in the best interest of your child.

A Co-Parenting Plan When Divorce Is Imminent

If you are in a situation in which divorce is imminent, I highly recommend that you work with a mediator therapist, as opposed to a mediator attorney, to create an extensive parenting plan that covers topics beyond the custody schedule.

When you’re working with attorneys, the custody schedule — including who gets which school holidays — is typically top of mind. But by addressing other aspects of the co-parenting relationship in the beginning, you can eliminate a decade of conflict.

When I work with parents in a divorce situation, we come up with a 30-page document. It includes what happens when we have long-term homework projects; when we introduce a significant other to our child; when we have extracurricular activities; and so on. Creating this parenting plan means diving into nearly everything, and it will be the blueprint for the upcoming years.

If you’re already divorced, you can still write a co-parenting plan now and have your co-parent work with you. This gives you both a roadmap to manage situations as they come up.

Co-Parenting Children with ADHD: Next Steps

• Free Download: Parenting Guide for Caregivers with ADHD
• Read: Managing Inconsistent Routines and Discipline in a Shared Custody Situation
• Watch: Coparenting After Divorce — How to Manage ADHD Consistently Across Households

Merriam Sarcia Saunders, LMFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist and child custody recommending counselor within the family court system.

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• Communicating effectively: 17.86%
• Addressing behavior that stems from ADHD: 17.86%
• Setting limits around screen time: 15.13%
• Aligning on school or homework expectations: 11.13%
• Prioritizing sleep schedule: 8.40%
• Managing medication: 5.04%

Here, ADDitude readers share the strategies they use to manage logistics, transitions, ADHD treatment, and more while co-parenting between households.

Co-Parenting Solutions

“Our two households are structured very differently. Household One has structure, routine, and a plan for managing meltdowns. Household Two, the weekend house, is “fun” — no rules, or routine. To help with continuity, we have an aide go to Household Two for two hours to help with homework, self-care, reminders, and emotional check-ins.” — An ADDitude Reader

“The kids have only one bag that goes between houses. The bag has several pockets with items that always stay in this bag only. The bag is labeled, and there is a designated hook at each house for this bag.” — An ADDitude Reader

[Q&A: “Inconsistent Routines and Discipline in a Shared Custody Situation”]

“I inform my son’s father when major deadlines are coming up. He is a control-freak, so he ensures the assignments get completed.” — Jennifer, Australia

“We text updates about the kids nearly every day. I take care of supplies and Dad checks Schoology (our learning management system). We cc: each other on emails to the school. It’s a full division of tasks plus courtesy on communication. The biggest challenge early on was tech time. My house is more relaxed than Dad’s, and the kids wouldn’t want to go to Dad’s because that meant no more tech. We agreed that the kids could do 30 minutes of tech as soon as they got to Dad’s, which helped. In addition, we accept that some things will be forgotten between homes, and we never make it the fault of our children. It is what it is.”  — Katey, Minnesota

Bonus tip from Katey: “Engage your child’s teachers and school counselor early on. The counselor, in particular, can be an impartial third party and help with organizing assignments between households.”

“It’s hard and we don’t always get it right, but I divide medication and give labeled pill pouches to my child’s dad that he transfers to a pill keeper at his house. Fortunately, we have good communication and check in several times a week on assignments, supplies, etc. We used to use the Cozi Family Organizer and that helped. I’ve heard OurFamilyWizard works really well for a lot of families. When things start to fall through the cracks, we have a family meeting.” — April, Washington

[Read: Crime and Punishment and ADHD: When Parents Disagree on Discipline]

“We do emotional check-ins at pick up and address issues immediately. Trying to communicate as much as possible helps the most.” — Jessie, Nevada

“This is particularly challenging for us, considering what I affectionately refer to as our ‘collective executive dysfunction’ as kiddo and both parents have ADHD. One of our primary coping skills is to have a full set-up at each home (clothes, weather gear, vitamins, toothbrush, phone charger, insurance cards, toys, etc.). Our kiddo suggested we have the school administer her daily meds. This has led to a more consistent routine and took the pressure off of the general leave-the-house scramble. On transition days, I set few limits and focus on enjoying each other’s company and easing back into our rhythm. Finally, one of the most important factors in handling the home-to-home transition is GRACE.” — An ADDitude Reader

How to Co-Parent: Next Steps

• Free Download: Parenting Guide for Caregivers with ADHD
• Read: Announcing a Divorce — How to Talk to Highly Emotional Kids
• Watch: Coparenting After Divorce — How to Manage ADHD Consistently Across Households

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Hosting out-of-town relatives, attending holiday parties, or baking cookies with friends may feel festive to some family members but may cause stress and overwhelm for those who struggle with patience and attention. Many parents feel guilty if they don’t keep holiday traditions alive.

There are ways to balance the desire for tradition with the reality of what your family will enjoy — not just survive. Here are some tips and simple swaps:

[Free Download: Holiday Survival Kit]

Include Children in New Holiday Traditions

Tweak old traditions or create new ones that your entire family can enjoy. Ask your child how they want to celebrate the holidays. What do they find hardest about your usual traditions? Think about how you can change a few details to make the holiday season a better fit for everyone.

For example, when reading a classic holiday story, ask your child if they’d like to retell (or act out) the story — as it went or as your child wishes it went. Or maybe they’d like to listen to an audiobook version or watch a movie of the story while sipping hot chocolate.

Say “No” to an Invitation

It’s easy to feel obligated to say “yes” to every party invitation. But an invitation is merely that: an invitation. You don’t have to say “yes” to all of them. Feel comfortable with the power of saying “no.” Also, it’s OK if the whole family doesn’t attend an event that will likely cause anxiety. For example, a big party might not be a good fit for children with ADHD or social anxiety. A smaller group setting may be less overwhelming and help children have a good time socializing.

Prepare and Manage Expectations Before an Event

Exchanging gifts may lead to frustration or worse for some kids with learning and thinking differences. Waiting their turn to open a gift can be challenging and tantrum-inducing for some children. For other children, opening a gift they weren’t expecting or didn’t want could lead to sensory overload and a meltdown. To avoid this reaction, discuss with your child what might happen at an event and how they can cope with it. Role play how to receive, open, and accept gifts and practice saying polite “thank-yous.” This prepares kids to navigate awkward moments — like opening a gift they don’t like.

[Free Download: Healthy Responses to Holiday Stress]

Remember, the holidays aren’t always full of cheer for kids with thinking and learning differences. Tweaking traditions with simple swaps and pre-planning will bring joy to the season’s festivities for the entire family.

Holiday Traditions: Next Steps

• Q: “Holiday Stress and Anxiety Affect My Kids. How Do We Strike a Healthy Balance?”
• Read: “My Christmas Meltdown: A Yearly Holiday Tradition” 
• Download: Managing Your Time During the Holidays
• Watch: “Holiday Blues: Protect Your Mental Health This Holiday Season”

Andrew Kahn, Psy.D., is associate director of behavior change and expertise at Understood.org.

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In a recent survey, ADDitude readers shared the best gifts and worst gifts they ever bought for their child. Below, find their holiday strategies based on past gift-giving mistakes, plus a list of classic gifts that never fail to bring joy.

4 Gift Categories to Avoid

• Avoid shopping based on your child’s latest obsession. ADHD interests can change as quickly as the tides — and often do. “For a long time, LEGOs were a favorite, but not since he turned about 10 or 11,” said Laureen. “Our child has lots of short-term interests, so I’d say we’ve had a lot of toys that lost appeal very soon after he received them.”
• Toys with lots of small parts are initially fascinating but overwhelming and easy to lose. “American Girl and the related doll accessories (Generation Girl at Target) have these sets with a bazillion little pieces like forks, knives, cups, and plates,” said Amanda from Ohio. “My kid is drawn to them because she likes all the tiny little items but ends up losing them or loses interest.”
• Stay away from games with overly complicated instructions and a single winner. “[My son] has a really hard time being patient, following the rules, and accepting if he loses the game,” said one reader.
• Be cautious when purchasing craft items that your child will use haphazardly. Slimy, putty, goopy — if you buy it, you might also be cleaning it up. “The worst gift was an expensive acrylic paint set,” said Thohahènte. “Learning techniques, setting up to work, and cleaning up after are too much for her ADHD brain. Her phone and paper sketch pad have the immediacy and accessibility that work for her.”

[Download: How to Prioritize This Holiday Season]

Gifts Ideas That Deliver

“Headphones have helped with motivation. My son listen to music while doing homework or chores or any undesired tasks.” — Allie, Louisiana

“My 10-year-old girl gets super hyperfocused on conquering brain games. She was all in with Rubik’s cube and speed cubing.” — KJ, North Carolina

“A spinner ring has been very helpful for two of my daughters to be able to fidget while completing a task or sitting for a longer period of time.” —Vicky, Virginia

“My 9-year-old loves stuffed animals. She never leaves the house without one. I recently realized they are her comfort item and make her feel more regulated, so I let her carry them around.” — Heather, Wisconsin

“I had a large inflatable exercise ball when I was a teen and loved it because it helped me stim and increased dopamine. Then, I got one for my kid. We forgot about it, he grew up, I pulled it out the other day, and now at 14 (same age as when I had mine) he has been drawn to it like a magnet. It helps him stay engaged in movies and get his energy out in a fun way. It fills my heart with so much joy to see him get out of it what I did — until my brother took it outside and popped it (still working on forgiving).” — Jen, Utah

More ADHD-friendly gifts recommended by readers:

• Red light night light ($12.95)
• Hot Wheels ($12.99)
• Transparent wind-up clock construction kit ($19.99)
• Sensory cushion ($22.99)
• Time Timer ($29.95)
• Basketball ($32.95)
• Indoor sensory swing ($35.99)
• Snap Circuits ($35.99)
• Bike ($155.04)
• Crash pad ($169.99)

ADHD Gift-Giving: Next Steps

• Download: Gift Guide for Kids with ADHD
• Read: Making Three Lists and Checking Them A Lot
• Read: The Best Toys and Games Are the Ones You Play Together

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