Working with a gender identity therapist was really helpful. She gave great advice, and we had weekly homework. One week, it might be to make a big effort to use the right pronouns. The next week, it might be to reach out to a family member and tell them about the new name, in front of Ashe to show them that we were supportive. At the beginning, Ashe would get upset when I or Ashe’s dad used the wrong pronouns, but they learned to accept that people are going to make mistakes. The therapy lasted a year, and Ashe’s confidence increased as we went through that.

“It All Made Sense:” An Empowering Diagnosis

At the end of 9th grade, Ashe’s therapist suggested a neuropsych. We knew Ashe had trouble at school — struggles with taking tests and keeping focus, but because they were such a likable person, teachers always gave them the benefit of the doubt. It really wasn’t until high school that we saw their grades drop drastically. The tests kept coming back failed. Assignments were not getting handed in on time.

It was unclear to us what was going on. Depression and anxiety run in the family so we were concerned about that, but Ashe had started to do their own research and they said, ‘I think I might have ADHD.’”

Ashe was right: the neuropsych revealed ADHD. It turned out that the anxiety Ashe was feeling came from the ADHD not being managed. The testing was reassuring, and validating. It all made sense. Ashe thought, ‘This is what I’ve been experiencing. Let me try to get everyone in my life to work with this.”

[Read: ADHD in Teens – Your Guide to Warning Signs & Treatments for Adolescents]

I know sometimes when kids with ADHD explore gender, parents can wonder: are they just being impulsive? Ashe is very quick to make decisions and can be very impulsive. But you’re not in your kid’s head, so you have to step back and support them while you see where it goes.

A Surprising Journey

The evolution of the gender journey was surprising. As Ashe moved through high school, after working with the gender therapist, they became really confident in themselves. They started wearing skirts and embracing what we would think of as more feminine presentation, but they were very clear that when they wear a dress, it doesn’t mean they’re a girl. As Ashe has grown older and more knowledgeable and confident, they’ve really learned to love their body. For me, that was a lovely surprise because there can be a lot of body dysmorphia during this kind of gender journey.

The name change was the hardest part for me. Ashe was not the name we gave them. They wanted a more neutral name that they felt suited them better. It hurt at first to not be a part of that process, but looking back and seeing the whole journey, I understand that ‘Ashe’ is the name they feel is them. Now it’s really strange to think back on the dead name, which we do have to use from time to time for legal stuff.

[Read: How to Support a Teen with ADHD Who Is Questioning Their Gender]

In the beginning I asked Ashe a lot, “Can you explain it to me?” Then I stopped, because I realized that I had to do the work of learning, myself — listening to podcasts, reading articles. It shouldn’t necessarily be the child’s responsibility to make you understand.

Support Now. Understand In Time.

I also realized that I didn’t really need to understand in order to support. I figured out that the understanding would come, one day, down the line. But what needed to happen, in that moment, was just support.

The relationships, including friendships, that Ashe has formed are extremely deep and supportive. Ashe now has a boyfriend, and they’ve been together for two years. They have amazing communication for a bunch of 19-year-olds, the way they talk about how to address each other and physical touch and what’s okay with that. There is a lot of really open communication and I think it comes from both of them being so comfortable with who they are.

A lot of people push down who they are — whether that’s gender or sexuality or neurodivergence. But seeing Ashe embrace themselves, I’ve thought, wow, everyone should know as much as they can about themselves — their neurodivergence, gender identity, sexuality. It can open you up to being so much more authentic, and fulfilled.

Gender Diversity and Neurodiversity: Next Steps

• Watch: Gender Diversity and Neurodiversity – How to Support a Child, Teen, or Young Adult with ADHD as They Explore Gender
• Read: How to Be a Neuroqueer Ally
• Read: The Clinicians’ Guide to Serving and Protecting LGBTQIA+ Youth

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Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

If you’re a mom who is raising children with ADHD, you may have complicated feelings about Mother’s Day. You may feel unnoticed and left out on this day, as the unique challenges and joys of caring for a neurodivergent child aren’t often widely represented. A “thank you” from your little one would be wonderful, you say. Then again, you also recognize that your child may have trouble expressing their thoughts and how they really feel about you, much less planning and executing breakfast in bed.

So this one’s for the amazing moms who are always in their kiddo’s corner, no matter what. The heartfelt thanks your kid would give you if they had the words (even if they accidentally forgot about Mother’s Day)? They’re all here:

[Read: What ADHD Moms Really Want This Mother’s Day]

5 Things Your ADHD Kiddo Really Means to Tell You on Mother’s Day

1. Thank you for understanding me. “Mom, you always try to understand me, even when I’m all over the place. I know it’s not always easy, but you make me feel like I’m okay just the way I am.”

2. I appreciate how you keep me organized. “The way you help me stay organized and on track is a lifesaver. Your checklists and reminders really help me, even if I don’t always show it.”

3. I admire your calmness. “When I get overwhelmed or upset, you stay so calm. It helps me feel safe and helps me calm down, too. You have this magic way of making everything better.”

4. I’m sorry for the tough days. “I know there are days when I really test your patience, and I’m sorry. Thank you for sticking with me through the tantrums, the meltdowns, and everything else.”

[Read: “Dear Mom of a Newly Diagnosed Kid with ADHD”]

5. Thanks for believing in me, even when I don’t believe in myself. “You always believe I can do great things, even when I mess up or get distracted. Knowing that you believe in me makes me feel like I can do anything.”

They might not thank you this Mother’s Day, but someday they will — whether through their words or actions. Until then, I’m here to remind you just how much you mean.

Mother’s Day & ADHD Families: Next Steps

• Read: 10 Thoughtul Mother’s Day Gift Ideas
• Read: “To My Kids: A Love Letter from Your Scatterbrained, Unpredictable, Truly Lucky Mom”
• Read: Overwhelmed Mom Syndrome — It’s a Real Thing
• Read: What Your Child Would Tell You About ADHD If They Had the Words

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

These are the Mother’s Day gifts that ADDitude readers really want — more than flowers, chocolates, and even jewelry. So look no further for gift ideas that moms with ADHD raising children with ADHD say would make their lives easier, make them feel appreciated, and bring a smile to their (tired) faces.

Got another gift idea? Share it in the comments.

Gifts for Mom: What Parents Really Want

“I want three days all by myself with no priorities and no piles waiting for me when I get back.” — Krysta, Canada

“All new socks for everyone in my house and someone ELSE to match them for the rest of my life. But a realistic gift… I want new markers for my coloring books.” — Tammy, New Jersey

[Read: “My Mom Has ADHD” Stories of Growing Up with an ADD Mother]

“A foot rub. A session with an interior decorator.” — Jill, Maryland

“A spa weekend with my best friend in a neurodivergent-friendly environment.” — Esther, Kentucky

“No more Rx refill hassles would be a DREAM! And yes, extra sleep and a personal chef. Also having no plans would be pretty great.” — Barbara, Texas

“I ask my kids not to buy me a tangible gift. It is just one more thing I have to clean and maintain. To make me feel special, I ask them to do an errand I am avoiding, like drop off dry cleaning or return a purchase.” — An ADDitude Reader

[Read: “Housekeeping Is Not Motherhood.”]

“A sleep-in. Coffee brought to me. Breakfast cooked for me, and an outing organized by my husband. I just want to be a passenger for the day. I don’t want to make a single decision except about what I feel like wearing.” — Jolene, Australia

“Professional housecleaning is the kind of gift I’d like. A clean house helps me feel centered and grounded. Clutter makes me anxious.” — An ADDitude Reader

“A magic wand to solve all financial problems.” — Kate, Australia

“An extra 10 hours a day to do all the things I want to do and connect with all the people who I don’t have time to stay in touch with.” — Sally, Australia

“A night out with live music and someone else doing all the driving.” — Emily, North Carolina

“A re-do button! Or a pause one.” — Amber, Wisconsin

“To find a doctor or a psychologist who will actually LISTEN TO ME. (They say children aren’t heard? Neither are mothers.)” — Winter, New Mexico

“Getting meds more easily would be nice…and having my child take them without arguing would be even nicer.” — An ADDitude Reader

“A live-in massage therapist.” — Brenda, Massachusetts

“Someone to clean the bathrooms for a year.” — Anne, Australia

“Someone to take all the responsibility away from me for a day. To have dinner made, the kitchen cleaned, the laundry folded, etc.” — Marla, New Jersey

“As a mom, I would love an hour of extra sleep sometimes! (Well, maybe most of the time.) But I am just thankful and love the support I get from my family. They truly help me keep going every single day. My partner supports me in every aspect and for that, I am so blessed.” —  Glady, Oregon

Gifts for Mom: Next Steps

• Shop: 10 Books Every Woman Should Read After Her ADHD Diagnosis
• Read: The Bumbling Dad Trope, Reversed — On Motherhood with ADHD
• Read: A Tribute to My Mom, an ADHD Trailblazer
• Read: To My Kids — A Love Letter from Your Scatterbrained, Unpredictable, Truly Lucky Mom

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

And if ADHD runs in that family, the jam is not only juggling family life, health, and career, but also managing executive dysfunction, emotional dysregulation, and the complicated needs of other neurodivergent family members — diagnosed and otherwise. As “sandwiched” ADDitude readers tell us, this complex time of life is full of strain and overwhelm.

“The stress of being a mom to neurodivergent children, an employee, and a wife on top of caring for my mother seems absolutely unbearable at times. I don’t understand how others manage it all.”

“I am feeling overwhelmed with my role as a parent of an ADHD child while seeing changes in my own parents as they age.”

“My own ADHD is making it exponentially more difficult to assist my 90-year-old parents, both of whom I suspect have ADHD, as well as my three grandchildren, all diagnosed with ADHD.”

No matter the composition of your family’s sandwich, use the following strategies to reduce stress and practice self-compassion while you pull double or triple caregiving duty.

[Download This Free Parenting Guide for Caregivers with ADHD]

Sandwich Generation Strategies for ADHD Adults

1. Set boundaries.

Boundaries are tricky because they’re tangled up with cultural, personal, gender, and familial expectations. You may feel immense pressure to make others happy, even at the expense of your own happiness. Rejection sensitive dysphoria and perfectionism may amplify feelings of failure as you try to do it all. As uncomfortable as it may feel, setting boundaries is a skill you must learn and practice to prevent burnout and improve your wellbeing.

• It doesn’t have to be a hard “no.” Find alternative ways to politely decline or adjust a situation. Say, “Let me sleep on it and get back to you,” “Mom, I have to call you back after I have dinner,” “Can I take a rain check?” or “That sounds wonderful, but unfortunately, I won’t be able to help this time.” Practice declining offers in a low-pressure environment, like at a store when the cashier tries to upsell you.
• Be firm where you can be. Mute your phone or disable certain notifications. Question whether something really needs your attention now. If you work from home, consider creating color-coded signage that communicates your level of availability. Have conversations when needed about hot spots. For example, if you experience stress when your parents show up unannounced, talk to them about calling ahead or dropping by only on certain days of the week.
• Guilt will come up, but it doesn’t mean that you’re doing something wrong. You’re simply in unfamiliar territory. Be kind to yourself and know that you can feel the guilt and still choose to protect your boundaries.

 2. Know your hot spots.

Not all sandwiched caregivers feel the same squeeze. Identify your personal hot spots, such as interruptions, noise, clutter, food prep, emotional reactions, and/or transitions. Name your most nagging daily challenges — the ones that send ADHD symptoms into overdrive — and brainstorm steps to manage them.

For example, if grumpiness at the end of your workday clouds your evening mood, take 10 full, uninterrupted minutes to do a breathing exercise or a relaxing activity when your workday ends. Self-awareness alone can help mute your inner critic as you try to juggle it all.

[Read: How I Calm Down My ADHD Brain — 14 Quick De-Stressors]

Work with family members to identify and address their hot spots, too. For example, ask your teen to spend five minutes organizing a small section of their room when energy supply is high, not at the end of the day when ADHD medication has worn off.

3. Carve out time to do what helps you feel regulated.

Get serious about scheduling self-care time in your calendar. Self-care is anything that helps you feel calm and gathered, like non-negotiable buffer time between tasks and activities, a morning walk, a hearty breakfast, talking to a friend, reading or listening to an audiobook for 15 minutes, and even taking the time to make your bed (especially if clutter overwhelms you).

4. Don’t rush to problem-solve or cheerlead.

Validation — simply listening to and acknowledging how you or a family member else is feeling — usually lowers the volume on big emotions in ADHD households. Your child may feel devastated that they flunked their math test, but rather than rush to cheerlead (“Oh, I know you’ll do better next time!”) or suggest solutions like tutoring, start by saying something like, “I hear that you’re feeling disappointed right now, right? It totally makes sense that you feel this way because you studied so hard.”

 5. Use all available supports to lessen the burden.

Support comes in many forms, like asking a friend or family member to body double or help with a particular area of caregiving, leaning on a community program for adult or afterschool care, or using paid services like subscription meal kits, cleaning services, or a virtual assistant if financially feasible. As you decide which resources to utilize, remember that your time and energy are resources, too. Also, when you accept someone’s help, understand that they may not do it your way — and that’s fine.

6. What would you say to a friend?

Dual caregiving while managing your own life (and ADHD symptoms) is objectively difficult. Like other sandwiched adults, you likely aren’t giving yourself enough credit for juggling all that you do.  You may over-identify with mistakes, fixate on what you haven’t done, and think that you’re failing. You may feel as though things only get done when you beat yourself up.

When your inner critic pipes up, take a moment to practice self-compassion by asking yourself, “What would I say to a friend going through this?” Chances are that you’d never judge a friend the way that you judge yourself. Keep this question on a sticky note and place it on your mirror as a daily reminder. Remember that it’s possible to be compassionate and productive simultaneously.

7. Accept what you cannot change.

No, you did not ask to be in the middle of a complex, neurodivergent sandwich. But here you are. To guard your wellbeing, follow this credo: accept what you can’t change, change what you can, and know the difference.

You may not recognize your habit of claiming responsibility for things well outside of your control. You may feel it’s your duty to make your stubborn parents believe that ADHD exists and that it runs in your family — a common complaint I hear among sandwiched adults in neurodivergent families. Conversation after conversation, article after article, your parents may still choose to deny that your child has ADHD, that you have ADHD, or that they themselves exhibit symptoms. This is distressing, but remember that you’re doing your best and that accepting your current reality doesn’t mean that you’re siding with your parents or giving up.

When you focus on where you can make a difference and what you can relinquish, it will be much easier to disengage from energy siphons and find reasonable solutions for all the ingredients in your sandwich.

Sandwich Generation and ADHD: Next Steps

• Free Guide: ADHD in Older Adults
• Self-Test: 10 Questions to Reveal Parental Burnout
• Read: When ADHD (Literally) Runs in the Family
• Read: 12 Ways to Build Strong ADHD Families

You Are Not Alone: Additional Resources

• AARP Family Caregiving
• CDC – For Caregivers, Family, and Friends
• Family Caregiver Alliance
• Working Parent Burnout Webinar (from The Ohio State University)
• ADDitude – ADHD Support Group for Parents
• ADDitude – ADHD Support Group for Adults
• CHADD – Find a local ADHD support group

The content for this article was derived from the ADDitude ADHD Experts webinar titled, “Squeezed in the Sandwich Generation: How to Manage ADHD in Yourself, Your Children, and Your Elderly Parents” [Video Replay & Podcast #490] with Danna McDonald, RMFT-SQ, RSW, which was broadcast on February 8, 2024.

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

On the flip side, mothers were portrayed as multitasking heroes who kept their families and homes from falling apart. Sure, these are stereotypes, but they’re mostly grounded in real-life expectations. Women are supposed to be the tidy, organized, and dependable ones. When you need help with homework, Mom’s the first one you ask. When you can’t find something, Mom knows where it is. When you need a special cake for your birthday, Mom can make it just right.

For a woman like me who struggles with ADHD, these expectations can be painful. Daddy is the one who keeps things running around here. He’s the organized and calm one. I do a lot. But if it weren’t for him, we’d have ice cream melting in the refrigerator.

[Read: “Housekeeping Is Not Motherhood.”]

I’m fairly traditional. I worked from home with my kids for years by choice. I wanted to cook their meals from scratch, but I almost always left out a crucial ingredient. I was there every time they pulled out a new board game, but I had a hard time sitting down and reading the instructions. I took them to fun places, but it was never a stress-free event. This mama forgot water bottles, diapers, wet wipes, and validation tickets. At some point, I realized I was the Dumb Dad.

For a long time, guilt and feelings of inadequacy plagued me. Not anymore. I’m so grateful to have a husband who grounds me. And with his support, I’m learning self-love.

The Dumb Dad may be bumbling, but he’s also adored. The kids never hold his cluelessness against him because his benevolence is clear. As my kids get older, they’re learning that their mom struggles with some things. And they know that it’s perfectly okay.

I’ve stopped trying to follow recipes or fix remotes. I’m focusing on the things I do well. I’m showing my daughter with ADHD all the tips I’ve learned to make life easier. I’m teaching her about civics and history, where I thrive. I’m hyperfocusing when my children need it, whether they’ve got a mysterious rash or someone needs to convince the city to put crossing guards at the school. I’m dancing and singing to all the kids’ songs because I’m a goofball like them and I know all the words.

I’m not the most organized mom, but I love my children more than anything on this earth. And they know it.

Gender Stereotypes and ADHD: Next Steps

• Read: The Motherhood Myth Is Crushing Women with ADHD
• Read: A Self-Care Guide for Moms with ADHD Raising Kids with ADHD
• Read: 12 Hurtful, Misogynistic Comments Women with ADHD Hear
• Read: To My Kids — A Love Letter from Your Scatterbrained, Unpredictable, Truly Lucky Mom

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

In our excitement playing cards, we got too noisy and woke up the toddler. There was laughter and arguing. There was winning and losing.

I’d like to say my son, Ocean, was a gracious winner. I’d also like to say that I’m never a sore loser. Regardless, I was elated that we were playing – win or lose. I never thought my kid would land on card games as a special interest. And I know it won’t last, so I’m savoring these precious moments with extra gratitude.

Special Interests: My Son’s Rotating Fascinations

Ocean has autism and ADHD. Rather than sticking to one deep and abiding interest or bouncing around several interests at once (like me), he cycles through a different obsession every few months. There are some that repeat, like soccer, BEYBLADES, and various video games. I’m always happy when Pokémon comes up in the rotation.

My husband and I have always joined him in his interests, even when (as a baby) he just wanted to stare at the spinning ceiling fan. I’ll admit I didn’t enjoy spinning wheels on baby strollers when that was his fixation, and his interest in other peoples’ soccer balls didn’t make us popular at the playground. (On the other hand, soccer balls do have really cool designs, especially the Jabulani and Brazuca. Do you know how hard it is to find an original Jabulani? Can you guess how many hours I spent bidding on eBay?) While I didn’t love subway trips to a busy intersection to watch the pedestrian traffic light count down, he’s now traveling alone on public transportation – something I never imagined then.

When my son finds a new special interest, it feels a bit like opening a Christmas gift. I have no idea what it will be, but I know it will surprise me… and that it will get old eventually.

[Read: Autism vs. ADHD — A Parent’s Guide to Tricky Diagnoses]

I’ve observed the pattern. He learns all the planets and moves on to galaxies. He maps the states, then the world… But his fixation doesn’t hold; eventually, he gets restless. He spends a few weeks absentmindedly dabbling until something grabs his attention again. I have no influence on his infatuations, or how long he will stay interested in each one. I’ve tried. It backfires. I don’t think he has much say in what grabs him either.

The one time I successfully held the line was when hot peppers became his interest. When his own pediatrician told us that eating too many of them raw could cause internal damage, my own gut wrenched and I felt like the worst parent ever. Nope. No more. I told him, “You can talk about Scoville heat units, you can draw and categorize and research peppers to your heart’s delight, but no more raw spicy pepper eating challenges under my roof!” I value autonomy, but I value his health more. It wasn’t easy, but we moved on, with his stomach lining intact.

Was Celebrating My Son’s Special Interests Wrong?

Ocean was first flagged for early intervention at 13 months. He wasn’t crawling on all fours or showing any signs of walking.

It would be a while before I put all the pieces together: developmental delays, social differences, special interests, sensory avoidance, and difficulty regulating emotions. Still, we hadn’t considered autism. I even brushed off an evaluator who casually mentioned “red flags for autism” when Ocean lined up a set of toy cars instead of playing with them as expected.

[Read: Is My Child with ADHD on the Autism Spectrum?]

Then he went to preschool, where was expected to do things that were not his absolute favorite. The stimulation was a lot for him. He was having multiple meltdowns a day and struggled mightily with transitions. Even with the support of a 1-to-1 special education teacher, he barely endured the year.

At a new special-education school, his teacher asked for reward ideas that could motivate him. When I told her how much he liked letters and numbers, she was dismissive. “But that’s just stimming,” she said. I was speechless.

My confidence eroded. I started to think that all our celebrating of Ocean’s fascinations had been wrong. I wondered if I should have steered him away from the things that gave him comfort and joy. But I couldn’t. I loved to see the spark in him when he engaged with his true loves.

That year was damaging for both of us, and with perspective I am glad to have learned this lesson: Just because someone has a degree, doesn’t mean they are an expert – and they certainly aren’t an expert in your child.

Celebrating My Son’s Special Interests – and Strengths

We moved on to a more enlightened and neurodiversity-affirming elementary school, and my education in celebrating neurodiversity began. Those teachers and therapists brought Ocean’s interests into everything. They encouraged his strengths and nudged him along in his challenges. They partnered with us parents, and it felt like almost every professional truly cared about my son. He thrived.

Still, being neurodivergent in an ableist world is hard, and we leaned on supports as we overcame one struggle after another.

He’s moving on to high school next year, and I want to share a reflection with parents of younger neurodivergent kids: The problems fade with time, especially when you focus on encouraging their strengths. The glimmers of joy are what I recall, like snapshots.

When Ocean wasn’t meeting developmental milestones and was having multiple meltdowns a day, I never could have imagined this scene: my siblings, nieces, parents, all playing a card game that Ocean had organized and taught them, and all having a blast!

I can’t think of anyone with whom I’d rather stare at the fan, draw soccer balls, line up numbers, or play cards.

Special Interests, Autism, and ADHD: Next Steps

• Take this Self-Test: Is My Child Autistic? Signs of Autism Spectrum Disorder
• Free Download: Bonding Activity Ideas for ADHD Families
• Read: What Does Autism Spectrum Disorder Look Like in Children?
• Read: Autism and ADHD – the Complete Playbook for Social Challenges

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

Intensive parenting now extends from childhood into young adulthood as some individuals with ADHD take longer on their journey to independence than do their peers. Some parents assume the roles of financial and career advisor, emotional support cheerleader, and sounding board for their young adult children. And with the increasing rates of anxiety and depression among adults ages 18 to 34, some parents might add mental health counselor to their list of ongoing roles.

In this webinar, Anthony Rostain, M.D., will offer practical advice to parents who are struggling to support their 20-something kids during the prolonged transition known as emerging adulthood. He will address what has made it harder for young people to mature, and how to adapt to this protracted dependence on parental support.

In this webinar, caregivers will learn:

• How “delayed adulthood” has become the new normal for many American young adults and how parents can adjust to this new reality
• How to rethink assumptions and biases that may interfere with healthy parent-young adult relationships
• How to develop better communication skills with young adults with ADHD and related disorders
• How to help young adults overcome executive function difficulties that may interfere with their ability to gain self-sufficiency, autonomy and effective problem-solving
• How to identify and address excessive digital media usage in young adults with ADHD and related disorders

Watch the Video Replay

Enter your email address in the box above labeled “Video Replay + Slide Access” to watch the video replay (closed captions available) and download the slide presentation.

ADHD in Emerging Adulthood: More Resources

• Download: Questions to Get Your Child Talking
• Get: 7 Core Executive Functions in Children & Teens
• Read: 5 Critical Life Skills That Build Independence & Confidence
  
• Read: “Stop Trying to Fix Everything!” Scripts for Reflective Listening

Obtain a Certificate of Attendance

If you attended the live webinar on May 1, 2024, watched the video replay, or listened to the podcast, you may purchase a certificate of attendance option (cost: $10). Note: ADDitude does not offer CEU credits. Click here to purchase the certificate of attendance option »

Meet the Expert Speaker

Anthony L. Rostain, M.D., M.A., is Chair of the Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Health at Cooper University Health Care. He is also a Professor of Psychiatry and Pediatrics at Cooper Medical School of Rowan University. His research interests focus on improving clinical outcomes for patients across the lifespan with neurodevelopmental disorders.

Dr. Rostain is the co-author with B. Janet Hibbs of the just-released book, You’re Not Done Yet: Parenting Young Adults in An Age of Uncertainty. He has also co-authored The Adult ADHD Tool Kit: Using CBT to Facilitate Coping Inside and Out; Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy for Adult ADHD: An Integrative Psychosocial and Medical Approach; and The Stressed Years of Their Lives: Helping Your Kid Survive and Thrive During Their College Years. (#CommissionsEarned)

#CommissionsEarned As an Amazon Associate, ADDitude earns a commission from qualifying purchases made by ADDitude readers on the affiliate links we share. However, all products linked in the ADDitude Store have been independently selected by our editors and/or recommended by our readers. Prices are accurate and items in stock as of time of publication.

Listener Testimonials

“Very impressive presentation today. It presented the overall context of delayed adulthood and then gave some ADHD specifics. I really liked the process of developing a meeting between young adults and parents that is collaborative and tolerant of inevitable struggles.”

“I very much appreciate the gentle perspective given today. As a parent of an ADHD 21-year-old who is struggling, I often feel judgment ― especially by health practitioners ― about how I parent. Thank you!”

“I really appreciate the advice to seek vocational assessment and coaching for an adult who ‘doesn’t know what he wants to do.'”

Webinar Sponsor

The sponsor of this ADDitude webinar is…

Brain Balance helps kids, teens and adults with ADHD, learning differences, anxiety & more through our integrative cognitive development and brain wellness program. Our approach combines cognitive, physical and sensory training with nutritional guidance to strengthen and build brain connectivity without the use of medication. Stronger connections translate to improved attention, behaviors, and social-emotional well-being. | brainbalancecenters.com/additudemag

ADDitude thanks our sponsors for supporting our webinars. Sponsorship has no influence on speaker selection or webinar content.

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“I feel dumb. My brain fails me all the time. It’s no use asking for help.”

“I’m always overwhelmed. If I’m not disciplined, everything becomes chaotic.”

We can’t talk about ADHD in teen girls without digging into emotions. Even before a diagnosis, many teen girls talk about the downstream effects of ADHD on their emotions. They call themselves “stupid.” Their self-esteem drops through the floor. They try so hard to be perfect that they burn or spiral out.

The emotional toll of ADHD on teen girls is profound — especially when it isn’t diagnosed early. And, for teens who menstruate, we can’t ignore fluctuating hormones, which invariably affect emotions, behaviors, and functioning. Is it any wonder that so many teen girls and young women say that regulating emotions and energy levels are their biggest ADHD-related problems?

Emotional dysregulation is a core feature of ADHD. Understanding this is the first step to safeguarding the emotional health of teen girls with ADHD. To help them develop emotional intelligence and resilience, and to help them pursue healthy lives, follow the steps below.

How to Protect and Empower Teen Girls with ADHD

1. Understand Your ADHD Profile

ADHD is a neurodevelopmental disorder that is highly genetic. It is not a sign of weakness, laziness, or poor motivation. Understanding how the ADHD brain is wired and how it processes information is Step One. Use simple terms and concepts to help your child make sense of their inner world in a non-judgmental way. It’s sometimes difficult to shift out of negative, toxic thoughts because the ADHD brain’s “gearbox” sometimes gets jammed, so be patient and positive.

Also, stress that no two teen girls with ADHD have identical symptoms, feelings, strengths, challenges, and co-occurring conditions. Encourage your child to be curious about their unique ADHD brain and profile.

[Get This Free Download: Learn How Hormones Impact ADHD Symptoms]

2. Understand the ADHD-Hormone Interplay

Through the menstrual cycle, the rise and fall of estrogen may affect your individual child’s symptoms, behaviors, mood, functioning, and even medication efficacy. Arm your teen with this information about herself, so she can independently prepare for her personal highs and lows, without shame.

Don’t assume that hormonal fluctuations affect all naturally cycling teens with ADHD in the same way. During the two weeks prior to menstruation, when estrogen is lowest, symptoms and functioning may worsen for some teens, especially those who experience PMS or premenstrual mood disorder (PMDD). For teens who struggle with impulsivity, high-estrogen states may be the problem, given the increased likelihood of engaging in risky behaviors when estrogen and dopamine are high.¹

Help your child track their cycle so they can see how changing hormones interact with their unique ADHD profile. If your child’s ADHD medication appears to lose efficacy at certain times of the month, talk to their doctor (and share any supporting evidence) about cycle dosing, or adjusting a medication’s dosage depending on hormonal status.

3. Sharpen Self-Awareness with Self-Monitoring

When girls and women mask their ADHD or mimic their peers in order to achieve social acceptance, one unfortunate byproduct is underdeveloped self-awareness. As a result of these coping mechanisms, your child may feel overwhelmed by questions like, “What are you feeling?” or, “What do you need?”

[Read: 5 Things Every Doctor (and Parent) Should Know about Girls and ADHD]

Start building self-awareness by helping your child track how lifestyle factors influence mood and everyday functioning. What does your daughter notice about her ability to regulate emotions when she gets eight hours of sleep? Six? Do they feel happier after basketball practice? What does it feel like when the ADHD medication starts to wear off? Have your child track the good and the bad using a journal, an app, or a calendar.

4. Reappraise Situations to Curb Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD)

RSD — an aspect of ADHD emotional dysregulation that causes painful emotional responses to real or imagined criticism, rejection, or failure — can turn distorted beliefs into self-fulfilling prophecies.

Your child may desperately want to make new friends, but RSD may cause her to misconstrue a classmate’s response to her question as annoyance, when the classmate is really just shy or tired. Still, your child thinks, “Everyone finds me annoying. Why do I even try?”

There is power in teaching your child to reappraise situations, especially with ADHD emotional dysregulation in mind. Encourage your child to pause, consider alternative explanations, and refrain from acting until they feel emotionally anchored.

5. Raise Self-Esteem with Self-Compassion

Peer inside the mind of a teen girl with ADHD, and you’re bound to find a harsh, negative choir of voices signing a tune of self-doubt, imposter syndrome, perfectionism, shame, and inadequacy. (The longer it takes to get diagnosed, the louder the chorus.)

Self-compassion transforms the vicious choir into a kinder one and heals a degraded self-image. To develop self-compassion, try developing a gratitude practice together. On the drive to school or at the dinner table each day, share three things about yourselves for which you are grateful.

6. Buy Time with Mindfulness

Emotional dysregulation and impulsivity sometimes lead to poor choices. Mindfulness can help your child buy time to reflect, recognize that emotions will pass, and respond to situations in healthy ways. From breathing exercises to progressive muscle relaxation, mindfulness is a habit that, practiced alongside distress-tolerance skills, can teach your child to withstand difficult emotions without resorting to unhealthy coping measures.

7. Set and Respect Empathetic Boundaries

Protect emotional health by setting empathetic boundaries — like asking for a timeout during a heated discussion before it turns into conflict. This discipline will take practice, but the results are worth it. Your child will demonstrate that they can stay in control and take responsibility for their emotions, which improves self-esteem and promotes healthy relationships.

8. Beware Bad Advice

In a world designed for neurotypical people, beware of useless or even harmful advice for neurodivergent brains. Teen girls with ADHD who struggle with emotional dysregulation, social struggles, and RSD do not need to hear, “If you’re angry, stand up for yourself and say what’s on your mind!”

Another terrible suggestion? “Live a little” or “take the edge off” with a drink. Given high rates of addiction in ADHD², older teens and young women with ADHD must understand the risks associated with drinking and taking other substances.

9. Establish Healthy, Fulfilling Lifestyle Habits

Healthy habits ranging from nutrition and movement to sleep, routines, and friendships can help your child cope with symptoms, big emotions, stressful times, and life’s demands over the long haul. Find safe, inclusive communities where your child can participate in sports, hobbies, and activities of interest. Help your child find environments and scenarios where they know their contributions are meaningful.

10. Parents: Learn to Listen Better

Emotional intelligence is built in interaction with others who respect us and make us feel safe. Practice active, reflective, and non-judgmental listening when your child speaks to you. Don’t rush to solutions and suggestions; try to simply reflect back what your child is telling you. To be heard and listened to builds emotional self-efficacy and is extraordinarily empowering.

Emotional Health of Teen Girls with ADHD: Next Steps

• Free Workbook: Track Your ADHD Symptoms Through the Menstrual Cycle
• Understand: Why Female Symptoms Slip Through Diagnostic Cracks
• Read: What Teen Girls with ADHD Need Right Now

The content for this article was derived from the ADDitude ADHD Experts webinar titled, “The Emotional Lives of Girls with ADHD” [Video Replay & Podcast #488] with Lotta Borg Skoglund, M.D., Ph.D., which was broadcast on January 23, 2024.

ADDitude readers: Sign up to access LetterLife, an app co-founded by Dr. Lotta Borg Skoglund that provides users with personalized insights — on hormonal cycles, ADHD symptoms, and lifestyle factors — to better manage ADHD.

Use the discount code ADDWEB20 to get 20% off Dr. Skoglund’s book, ADHD Girls to Women, when purchased via uk.jkp.com.

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Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

Sources

¹Roberts, B., Eisenlohr-Moul, T., & Martel, M. M. (2018). Reproductive steroids and ADHD symptoms across the menstrual cycle. Psychoneuroendocrinology, 88, 105–114. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.psyneuen.2017.11.015

²Wilens, T. E., & Morrison, N. R. (2011). The intersection of attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder and substance abuse. Current opinion in psychiatry, 24(4), 280–285. https://doi.org/10.1097/YCO.0b013e328345c956

Use the tips below to guide you in putting this behavioral strategy into action. Remember that active ignoring takes time and practice to perfect. Some caregivers also work with a professional trained in effectively utilizing active ignoring.

How to Use Active Ignoring for Attention-Seeking Behaviors

1. Use active ignoring only for minor misbehaviors that are reinforced through attention. This can include:

• whining
• arguing
• interrupting
• yelling
• being purposefully annoying

2. Do not ignore or tolerate dangerous, destructive, or unsafe behavior. Intervene to stop those behaviors immediately and implement appropriate consequences.

3. Do not use active ignoring for non-attention-seeking behaviors. If your child is dragging their feet about brushing their teeth in the morning, for example, they’re probably not doing it to get your attention. You shouldn’t let your child avoid the task, even if they’re whining about it. (In this case, you should think about strategies to encourage your child to brush their teeth, like setting a tooth-brushing alarm, establishing specific rewards for dental hygiene, or maybe changing their toothpaste flavor.)

[Get This Free Download: Your Guide to Ending Confrontations and Defiance]

4. Ignore minor misbehavior, but don’t ignore your child outright. While actively ignoring, you’re also waiting for the opportunity to give attention to the behavior you want to see. Meet the desired behavior with positive attention as soon as you see it. Say something like, “Thank you for waiting so calmly as I finish up dinner.”

5. Watch your non-verbal communication. There are plenty of ways you can inadvertently give attention to problematic behaviors. Be mindful of facial expressions, eye rolls, huffs and puffs, crossed arms, stances, and other forms of attention. (This takes lots of practice!)

6. Should you explain to your child why you’re ignoring them? It’s not necessary, but this approach can be effective, provided you are mindful of your tone. Consider using “when-then” statements to encourage the behavior you want to see. Don’t say, “I’m not responding to you because you’re whining. That’s not how we talk to each other.” Say, “When you ask me nicely, then I will answer your question.”

7. Expect the behavior to get worse before it improves. When you withdraw your attention from a behavior that used to get your attention, the problem behavior will often get worse before it gets better. (We call this phenomenon an “extinction burst.”) Everyone at home should be prepared for these behaviors to escalate and to continue to actively ignore them — provided they are not dangerous.

[Read: How to Leverage Video Game Psychology to Improve Your Child’s Behavior]

8. Be consistent. It is important to make sure that all of a child’s caregivers can clearly define the problem behavior and are on board with the plan to actively ignore it. Consistently ignoring the problem behavior, while praising the positive behavior that you want to see, will yield the best results.

Attention-Seeking Behaviors and ADHD: Next Steps

• Download: 50 Discipline Tips for Kids with ADHD
• Read: Your Child Is Sending You Signals. Are You Ignoring Them?
• Read: How to Manage Your Child’s Toughest Behavioral Problems

The content for this article was derived from the ADDitude webinar titled, “Parenting Styles That Work for Neurodivergent Children” [Video Replay & Podcast #481] with Caroline Mendel, PsyD, which was broadcast on November 29, 2023.

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

You may fear possible judgments and others’ assumptions about your child or yourself. You may feel anxious, ashamed, or uncertain of who to tell or where to go for support. You may wonder if sharing the ADHD diagnosis will make your child feel badly about themselves. Or maybe it’s the opposite — you wonder if choosing to keep quiet will make your child feel like something is wrong with them.

ADHD Diagnosis: Secrecy vs. Privacy

Let’s start untangling this web of uncertainty by differentiating secrecy and privacy.

Secrecy is an intentional act of restraining or hiding information, typically because it is believed that the information is problematic and will have negative consequences out in the open. Secrecy is associated with shame. While privacy is also intentional, it is associated with empowerment, not shame. Privacy is a choice and a right. It connotes respect in that it allows one to know themselves, to have information about who they are, and then to decide with whom to share that information. For this reason, you want to disclose and discuss ADHD within the framework of your child and family’s right to privacy, while rejecting the idea of secrecy or shame.

[Read: Explaining ADHD to Your Child]

Is It Necessary? Is It Kind?

You should never keep your child’s ADHD from them. How you discuss the condition with your child will depend on their age, comprehension skills, and other factors, but the point is to speak openly about their unique brain and why they have certain challenges.

It gets trickier when deciding who to tell outside of immediate family and whether you or your child gets to make that decision. If your child is too young to consent to their diagnosis being shared, my suggestion is to think about two of Rumi’s three gates of speech before you speak: Is it necessary? Is it kind?

• Would sharing the diagnosis and explaining your child’s behaviors or needs help the person better understand your child?
• Would sharing the diagnosis help others be more successful in their interactions or relationship with your child?
• Would sharing the diagnosis open possibilities for more support without harming your relationship with your child now or in the future?
• If it is necessary to share this information, how can you convey your child’s struggles with kindness and respect?  Can you include your child or teen in any way in this communication?

Prior to sharing your child’s diagnosis with someone, consider the person’s character and previous behaviors. Have you witnessed them be judgmental toward others? Do they appear to use shame as a tool or a weapon? Do they gossip frequently? Do they show an unwillingness to learn or revise their thinking in light of new information?  If it’s yes to all, move on; you won’t find support and acceptance from them.

[Read: It Takes A Village — Help Other People Understand ADHD]

If you decide to share your child’s diagnosis, you should still respect your child’s privacy by directly asking the individual for discretion. Share whether you have received consent from your child or if this disclosure is your own decision. Engage in private, respectful conversation in appropriate places, not at the bus stop and other public places. Speak about ADHD in a neurodiversity-affirming manner.

Online support groups can be great places to find community, acceptance, and like-minded people. Be cautious about sharing your child’s diagnosis or struggles in ways that can make them easily identified.

As your child grows older, ask them to consider the same questions and points above to help them decide who to talk to about their ADHD. Of course, if your child decides that they do not want you to share their diagnosis with someone, you must also respect your child’s right to privacy, even if you disagree with their reasoning.

Explaining ADHD to Others: Next Steps

• Free Download:  13-Step Guide to Raising a Child with ADHD
• Read: Your Brain Is a Ferrari
• Read: Who Do You Tell About Your Child’s ADHD?

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

Many parents today are raising their children differently than they themselves were raised. In a recent ADDitude poll, about 70% of respondents said they were using a “very different” or “somewhat different” parenting style from the one their parents used with them.

The generational divide is deepened by our evolving understanding of neurodivergence — brain-based differences that affect how someone behaves, thinks, and learns. ADHD, autism, learning differences, and other conditions that tend to be identified in childhood all fall under the umbrella of neurodivergence. Many of these now-commonplace diagnoses were not always recognized and effectively treated in prior generations.

Neurodivergence: Then and Now

Like parenting, societal views of differently wired individuals have also changed significantly. Historically, people whose brains work differently were not celebrated for their neurodivergence; instead, educators and caregivers focused solely on remediating their apparent deficits. Today, we know that our families and communities are made richer by our individual differences. And we understand that leveraging strengths — while also providing constructive support — is critical for neurodivergent children.

Today, we know a lot more about the science of various brain-based conditions. We know that these conditions are not characterological, meaning an aspect of one’s personality, or caused by “bad” parenting. Advocacy from organizations and individuals has helped reduce stigma around neurodivergence and encouraged more schools and institutions to adopt diversity, equity, and inclusion initiatives. Meanwhile, technological advances — like autocorrect or text-to-speech capabilities — have helped reduce the strain of day-to-day functioning for neurodivergent individuals, who can sometimes feel like a square peg in a round hole. And we can’t overlook the role of social media, which has allowed many neurodivergent people and their families to find community and belonging.

[Get This Free ADHD Parenting Guide — Strategies for Kids, Tweens & Teens]

The Best Parenting Style for Your Neurodivergent Child

Parenting styles of the past emphasized obedience through harsh discipline and strict enforcement of the rules. This style of parenting is generally known as authoritarian parenting and its techniques, we now know, can cause distress and are linked to maladaptive behaviors. Children, especially neurodivergent children, do not respond well to this form of parenting.

On the other hand, permissive parenting, characterized by high levels of warmth and little to no limit setting, isn’t what our children need either, as this can also lead to negative outcomes. The parenting style with the greatest benefit is in the middle; authoritative parenting combines warmth and limit setting. It’s a dynamic that fosters the parent-child relationship while also providing children with the structure they need for positive development.

From establishing routines to reinforcing positive behaviors and providing appropriate consequences for misbehavior, authoritative parenting offers various strategies to meet your child’s unique needs. Use this parenting guide to look up the most effective strategies for neurodivergent children. You may need to apply these strategies more frequently, over longer periods, and with the help of a mental health professional to best meet your child’s needs.

Neurodivergent Parents of Neurodivergent Children: You’re Doing an Excellent Job

As an adult who was only recently diagnosed with ADHD, how can I help my child when they’re emotional and overstimulated if I also feel the same way?

How do I get my child to follow a regular routine when I myself have ADHD and cannot follow a regular routine?

How do we implement these parenting strategies when they are so unfamiliar to us? It feels incredibly overwhelming when we have ADHD that was never properly addressed in our own childhoods.

[Read: “The Best Neurodivergent Parenting Tips I’ve Ever Received Are…”]

I don’t need to tell you that parenting is hard, especially if you are a neurodivergent parent raising a neurodivergent child and using different approaches than your parents used on you. As a psychologist who helps parents manage ADHD in their children, please hear me when I say that you are not alone, and that you are doing a wonderful job. Acknowledge the progress that you’ve made and are making. Set small goals for yourself and celebrate the small wins. Build and rely upon your support network and take care of yourself — one of the most important behaviors you can model for your child.

Parenting Styles: Next Steps

• Sign Up: Behavioral and Emotional Skills Training from the Child Mind Institute
• Join: ADDitude’s ADHD Support Group for Parents
• Read: Brick Wall, Jellyfish, or Backbone — What Type of Parent Are You?
• Learn: Moms and Dads — Lets Turn All Those Can’ts Into Can-Dos

Additional Resources

• Taking Charge of ADHD: The Complete, Authoritative Guide for Parents by Russell A. Barkley, Ph.D.
• Your Defiant Teen: 10 Steps to Resolve Conflict and Rebuild Your Relationship by Russell A. Barkley, Ph.D., Arthur L. Robin, Ph.D., and Christine M. Benton
• The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child by Alan E. Kazdin, Ph.D
• The Everyday Parenting Toolkit: The Kazdin Method for Easy, Step-by-Step, Lasting Change for You and Your Child by Alan E. Kazdin, Ph.D.

The content for this article was derived from the ADDitude webinar titled, “Parenting Styles That Work for Neurodivergent Children” [Video Replay & Podcast #481] with Caroline Mendel, PsyD, which was broadcast on November 29, 2023.

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

The following four defense mechanisms commonly develop among individuals with ADHD:

Blaming

Blaming as a defense mechanism looks like making others responsible for the occurrence of an ADHD symptom and its consequences, as seen in the following examples:

Your child forgets that an assignment is due. The due date was posted and announced, yet they blame the teacher for not being clear enough about the deadline.

You arrive late to an event. You didn’t give yourself enough time to get there, yet you blame traffic or the slow driver in front of you for showing up late.

[Read: 7 Self-Defeating Behaviors That Aggravate ADHD – and How to Fix Them]

You forget to pay a bill. You blame your partner for mixing the bill with other papers, even though it was in your court to set a reminder for yourself to pay the bill – and put it on autopay.

Defensiveness

Responding in angry, confrontational ways that deflect from the issue rather than address it marks this defense mechanism. The following are examples of defensiveness:

Your teen arrived late to school and missed their first period class. You try to talk to them about it, but your child tells you to mind your own business or lashes out. Tensions rise.

Your partner mentions that you still haven’t cleaned out the garage like you said you would do for months now. You quickly get angry and deflect. “Well, you haven’t cleaned out your closet in a long time either,” you say. A fight breaks out, and everyone feels miserable.

[Read: Why You Lash Out — Sometimes for No Good Reason]

Minimizing

Minimizing occurs when you respond to complaints or disapproval about your ADHD symptoms by minimizing their effects on yourself or others. For example, you meet a friend half an hour later than you both planned. You notice that your friend is visibly upset, but you downplay your lateness, telling your friend “it’s no big deal.” Your friend gets even more upset, frustrated that you don’t seem to care about them or understand the effect of your actions.

Dishonesty

Not being truthful is a defense mechanism that causes lots of distress for families who are terrified about what it means about their child or partner’s character. But lying or stretching the truth, like other defense mechanisms, often come up in an effort to avoid shame and conflict. It’s also a method to save energy and avoid fatigue. (Living in a neurotypical world, after all, is exhausting.)

How to Break ADHD Defense Mechanisms

Let go of defense mechanisms by humbly owning up to ADHD symptoms as they arise.

• Know your strengths and areas of need. When do these defense mechanisms come up the most? What actions, no matter how small, can you take to manage the problem area?
• Apologize if you upset someone. As painful as it may feel to own up to an ADHD symptom, an apology shows others that you’re aware of how your actions – even if unintended – affected them. Be genuine in your apology. Say, “I’m sorry I made you wait. I should have gotten in the shower an hour earlier. I will work on that. I will text you ahead of time and let you know if I’m running late.”
• Seek to improve, not to perfect. If paying bills on time has always been a tough problem area, then a good goal would be to reduce how many bills are paid late in the next month. Aiming for improvement, not perfection, will take the pressure off and allow you to make more strides.
• Perfection doesn’t exist. ADHD symptoms and traits do not make you a bad person. Be kind to yourself and remember that there are many fabulous parts to you. Embrace your gifts and humbly acknowledge the frustrating parts and commit to working on them.

If you are the parent of a child or teen with ADHD, help them adopt the above strategies and heed these tips for parents, families, and partners:

• Take an empathetic lens. ADHD is a neurological condition that makes it hard to live up to the expectations of a neurotypical world. It’s why shame and defense mechanisms develop so quickly. Treatments and supports like medication, therapy, and coaching can help your child or spouse better manage symptoms and day-to-day challenges.
• Create an accepting environment where it’s safe to talk about ADHD and defense mechanisms. This encourages honesty and problem solving.
• Remain calm when bringing up an issue. Do not explode in anger or insult. If your partner left out a piece of wood with rusty nails near your dog’s walking area (as my ADHD husband once did), say, “I noticed you left out a piece of wood with sharp nails outside. That was upsetting and dangerous because it could hurt the dog. Please be more mindful of where you place items.”
• Be curious when symptoms go unmanaged. Together, think about how they can be better managed in the future. Look for improvement rather than expecting the issue to never happen again. Your child, for example, may still have moments where they conceal the truth to avoid punishment as a result of an unmanaged ADHD symptom. Your job is to create an environment where you won’t get upset if your child isn’t telling the truth, and work with them to manage the ADHD symptom in question.

ADHD Defense Mechanisms: Next Steps

• Free Download: How to Control Your Reactions
• Read: ADHD and the Epidemic of Shame
• Read: The Magical Thinking of ADHD Brains — and How It Drives Our Kids’ Lies

Susan Ciardiello, Ph.D., LCSW, is a psychotherapist and ADHD coach. She is the author of ACTivities for Group Work with School-Age Children and ACTivities for Group Work with Adolescents. Learn more about Dr. Ciardiello by visiting her website at www.drsusanciardiello.com

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.